Wednesday, April 30, 2008

This can't be good

Apparently, in the 1st period last night, the great Sean Avery took a hit which unbeknownst to anyone at the time lacerated his spleen. He'll be out for the rest of the playoffs, but more importantly hopefully he'll be okay.

Back with more of the countdown later.

#4: Hermione's Legal

The lovely Emma Watson turned 18 recently. Besides for being on the official Jeter Christ Hall of Fame Bubble Watch she also has been by far the best thing about the Harry Potter movies. She asked me not to link to the picture of her naked underparts so you'll have to find that yourself.

#3 coming tonight.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Story #5: The Draft

Very nice 1st round for the Cowboys, with Felix Jones and Mike Jenkins replacing the dearly departed Julius Jones and the worst cornerback of all time Jacques Reeves.

The night before the draft we made an interesting trade with the Dolphins, giving Parcells his boys Akin Ayodele and Anthony Fasano for a 4th round pick. I'm curious as to Remi Ayodele's future, since I think the only reason we even gave him a spot on the practice squad in the first place was because he was Akin's brother, although he did some decent things in limited action last year.

To replace Fasano we picked Martellus Jenkins in the 2nd round. He's supposed to be one of those Antonio Gates-type tight ends. Not sure why we need him considering we already have the best TE in the league, I think WR was a bigger need and would rather have tried to trade up and take Limas Sweed, or take Early Doucet or Mario Manningham (yes, the same Mario Manningham who pulled off a 6 on the Wonderlic).

Round 4 brought us another running back, Tashard Choice. While Grizz from the fantastic Cowboys blog is a big fan of his since he's a Ga. Tech fan, I've never seen him play. Sounds good though, similar story to Chris Canty where he was viewed as a first or second round talent coming into his senior year, then struggled with injuries and crap so we get him in the 4th round.

Orlando Scaldrick and Eric Walden were the last 2 picks, plus we already signed some rookie free agents, I'd be surprised if they make too much of an impact this year, but maybe they'll help out on special teams, which needs improvement from last year. Undoubtedly Felix Jones can help our return game (along with another Jones who'll be getting his own post), but coveragewise, especially after losing Keith Davis, we need to be much better.

Overall, seems like a solid draft, although our receiving corps can use some younger help. Maybe we'll trade a #1 or #2 from next year's draft for Roy Williams.

Up next, story #4.

And we're back

I was on leave for 2 weeks, and even though I'm still on leave, it's time to get back to blogging. Between today and tomorrow, I'll be counting down the top 5 stories that took place while I was gone. For now, some honorable mentions:

Posada's going on the DL.

Jessica's licking icing off of Romo.

T.O. isn't joining

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is a funny movie, but there was a little too much penis and not enough of Mila Kunis's real deals.

Clemens had coitus with a 15 year old.

And Isiah was reassigned to coffee boy.

The countdown begins soon.

Monday, April 14, 2008

THE RETURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There was a noticeable lack of Yankee game recaps. That was because there was a noticeable lack of the Captain in the Yankee lineup. Since this is the First Temple of the Captain Jeter Christ, I didn't think it was proper to do so in his absence. But according to the AP, he's in the lineup tonight. Sweet. That'll more than offset the presence of Chad Moeller and the replacement of Joba with Albala.

In other news, keep Harlan Chamberlain in your thoughts and prayers. Good man, and he signed a ball for me last year.

UPDATE: Sure enough, the Captain comes back, we win, even if the makeshift set-up men imploded.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008


0-2 without The Captain. This game sucked, and should've been rained out, and I didn't pay too much attention since I was watching the Rangers, who once again beat the Devils. Too lazy to recap it, go to Scotty Hockey or Rangers Pundit since they're better Rangers blogs than the one I got in the links, one of these days I'll change it.

In other news, Kige pronounces Mario Chalmers, Mario Chambers. It's the anorexic of the year 2008, which is this year.

Eli sucks

Thanks to Deadspin for pointing this out.


The first 2 crises of the season are occurring right now, Alberto Gonzales being called up since The Captain is hurt (and Betemit has absolutely sucked so far), while Posada can't throw and will be backing up Molina No. 2.

Hughes was terrible yesterday, Purple Lips pulled off the Golden Sombrero, and we lost to the Royals in a miserable game, 5-2. Screw the regular game recap, let's just get it done tonight with hopefully a nice bounce-back game from Kennedy, although I don't know if we can hit Greinke.

Let's go Rangers.

Monday, April 7, 2008


As nice as it was to win tonight, more importantly, the Captain came out of the game with what appears to be a strained quadriceps. Obviously, if he's out for any significant amount of time this win sucked.

But back in happy times, Yankees 6, Rays 1, Moose with the win (1-1), Hammel the loss (0-1), Abreu was sweet as candy (1).

Mussina pitched as well as can be expected with the stuff he has. But with his brains, he may be able to make a repertoire that tops out at 86 mph work. Bruney and Farnsworth pitched well, while O'Hawkins managed not to suck, so another good job by the bullpen.

Offensively, Abreu was freakin' sweet, Matsui continued to feed off of my hatred, and we actually scored 6 runs!

In other news: John/Scissor still suck, Torii Hunter was quite clutch for the Angels of America, the Braves' bullpen blew another game, and Memphis's free-throw woes finally bit them in the balls, Derrick Rose will only be comforted by being drafted by the Knicks.

Sunday, April 6, 2008


Back to .500, sweet. I was in attendance, running my record to 2-0 on the year, and, oddly enough, the Yankees are 0-3 when I don't watch the game, 3-0 when I do.

Anyway, Wang the win (2-0), Shields the loss (1-1), Mo the save (3), Joba a nice 2-inning hold, Matsui a HR (2).

Player of the game: I'll go with Joba, everyone pitched great, but Joba came in with 1st and 3rd and no one out and handled his business.

The Captain was 1-4 with a scorching single, and got robbed of a putout by the selfish playoff choker with the purple lips, and of a double by a guy whose first name is fellatio.

In other news, Boston lost again, Braves beat the Mets, and at the moment I'm stuck listening to the crappy Devils radio announcers as the Rangers are tied with the Devils with 7 minutes left. Let's go Rangers, get them regulation W's.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

RIP Charlton Heston

So, he died. Never saw the Ten Commandments, or Planet of the Apes, but the Planet of the Apes monologue they did on SNL when he hosted wasn't that funny, so I guess I didn't like him. Although, Ferrell did a very funny Heston in an NRA sketch, and Hartman did an absolutely classic Heston in the great sketch where Heston and Al Goldstein make the audiotape for Madonna's book (with Hartman's classic, "I like my vagina", if you've seen the sketch you're cracking up right now).

2-2, 2-3

Not a good Shabbos for the Yankees, dropping two games to the freaking Devil Rays. Girardi got the worst of it, as he was passed out on his couch with 103 degree fever, probably stuck listening to John and Scissor on the radio. 2 horrible games, 2 horrible game recaps. The plan is for me to be there tomorrow so hopefully it won't rain and we'll get back to .500.

In other news, tomorrow's Rangers game is freaking huge. We're 1 point behind the Devils and look at that, we're playing them tomorrow. We need to win in regulation which means conceivably it'll be 1-1 with 1 minute left in regulation and we'll pull the goalie. Big day tomorrow.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Mike and the Mad Dog Sing Meet the Mets

I had never seen this, it's apparently from the day after the Mets completed their chokejob. The real fun starts around the 2-minute mark. Absolutely classic.


For the 3rd year in a row, the Rangers are in the playoffs. We officially clinched last night, kicking some Islander behind. The power play was fantastic and seems to finally not suck anymore, and Jags was awesome, although I still don't get what's up with his soul patch. Lundqvist with another shutout. Dude's dangerous.

2 games left, tonight against those same Islanders, and then Sunday against the Devils as we try to sweep them 8-0. We're 2 points behind those morons for home-ice in our probable first round matchup so it'd be nice to handle our business over the weekend.


Nice win last night, and we've matched our high-water mark for the year at 1 game over .500!

Yankees 3, Blue Jays 2, Joba with the win (1-0), Brian Wolfe the loss (1) and Mo the save (2).

Hughes pitched very well, especially in the 1st 3 innings when he was perfect. The 2 runs came off bloop and infield hits, except for Rios who continues to be a beast against us, and now has the longest hitting streak against us in over 70 years (23 games, Gehringer had a 31 game streak).

Of course it wasn't like we showed off too much offensively, as our runs came on a wild pitch, a sac fly, and a bloop single. Dustin McGowan, who apparently was trying to recreate the look of Seth Rogen's character in Freaks & Geeks, also pitched really well, but at the end of the day the former, but soon to be once again, baseball champions of the world got the job done (that's job, not Joba, stupid Sterling).

Hero of the game: The Captain scored the tying run and kept the game tied on a ball to his left that he might not have gotten to last year.

Around the league in one really long run-on sentence, Johnny Cueto appears to be halfway decent, my boy Zach Greinke completed the sweep over what the retard Steve Phillips called the greatest lineup of all time, the Phillies finally won a game, meaning the Nationals finally lost a game, and shockingly, Mike Hampton was scratched from his start before the game.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008


Another year goes by without the Yankees going undefeated. That's a crying shame. Anyway, onto the essentials:

Blue Jays 5, Yankees 2. Burnett the win (1-0), Mussina the loss (0-1), Accardo the save (1). HRs by Uncle Vernon Wells (1, benched on my fantasy team) and A-Rod (1, Kern[el], if you call him A-God again I will punch you in the face).

The goat of the game goes to Sergeant Steroids himself, the Giambalco, who went 0-4 with an error that led to their first run. Not sure why Duncan and Ensberg are on the bench if they're not gonna be pinch-hitting for lefties against lefties (with their own urban clothing line F.L.A.L.) in the later innings.

For the most part Moose pitched like crap. Simply stunning. At least ol' reliable Phil Hughes starts tomorrow. The bullpen was good though, with Latroy O'Hawkins, my boy Kyle Farnsworth and Ross Ohlendorf (who actually looks like O'Neill a little bit and should therefore, if anyone's gonna wear #21, be wearing #21, since he looks more like O'Neill than his #39 predecessor Darryl Strawberry). And unlike Mr. T, Girardi actually trusted one of his non-Proctor relievers to come back out for a 2nd inning after getting one out in the inning before, having O'Hawkins pitch the 7th after getting the last out in the 6th. Now if only he'd bring up a righty against a lefty with the game in the balance in the later innings instead of trusting the sergeant.

The Captain went 2-4, raising his average to .375. All hail.

In the AL East standings, the gaymos in Boston are in 1st because they started earlt, with us and the rest of the division 1 game back. With the magic number still something like 162 I don't think we're dead yet.

Around the majors in one very long run-on sentence, Boston won, the Mets freaking destroyed Andrew Miller, overrated sack of crap Trevor Hoffman blew yet another game, and now that I think about it, in the parlay that I didn't share with the blog, but will once again be successfully doing so starting tomorrow, the 3 teams I had winning were all ahead in the 8th before their crappy bullpens f'd up (Tampa/Arizona/San Diego), not good times, Braves finally won a game, and my fantasy team's OPS was lower than it's ERA, and it's AVG was lower than it's WHIP, that can't be a good thing.

New Krap on the Block

I was gonna have a whole Hall of Fame ceremony, but who has that kind of time, plus Ateres Chinka was booked, so instead there was a mass induction ceremony in my head three minutes ago for the brand spanking new Jeter Christ Hall of Fame, as well as the other lists over there.

Donnie Basketball

Press conference going on now, we finally have hope once again. (Although if Billy King gets brought in and/or Isiah stays on in any position of power, we're still screwed). This is a huge upgrade (although Colangelo or West would've been better), now it's just a matter of seeing what happens next.

If it was up to me we'd get one of the young assistants from San Antonio or Phoenix (forgot the guy's name but I think there's a guy in Phoenix, Peter's cousin David Griffin, who's looking to get a job) as GM, and bring back Van Gundy or Mark Jackson as head coach(, although I wouldn't be too bummed with Herb Williams, anything's better than the retard Isiah.)

Tuesday, April 1, 2008


It feels so good to have real baseball back. 1 game played, 1 game won. Let's get to the essentials in the new almost daily post-game feature:

Yankees 3, Blue Jays 2. Wang (1-0) the win, Halladay (0-1) the loss, Joba with a hold (1), Mo with the save (1), Melky with a HR (1).

Wang was very frustrating with his inability to consistently throw strikes, and definitely got bailed out by some fantastic defensive plays, even Sergeant Steroids made a leaping catch (although his six-year old girl's arm cost us a run). But at the end of the day he pitched a solid 7 innings, only giving up 2 runs.

Player of the game, non-Captain division- definitely Melky. 2 great catches, the HR to tie it up after a great at-bat that finally got Halladay's pitch count up a little bit.

The umpiring was terrible, especially when it came to stolen bases. The Captain was clearly safe, while 1 of Posada's throws was on time.

The Captain went 1-4 with a B.S. caught stealing, and was solid in the field.

The Captain still rules, Matsui still sucks, Joba's still a beast and Mo's still the best.

I was in the house, and made it to The Bayis after the gates opened but before people were allowed in, so for all intents and purposes the gates were closed. Therefore, our record when I'm there before the gates open improves to undefeated-0. And our record when I'm in the house on Opening Day improved to 2-0. Good job by Randy Wells signing my ticket stub, and by Brandon League for signing my baseball yesterday. And thankfully it only started to pour after the game (literally like 2 minutes after).

Also, great job having a recording of Bob Shepherd announcing when The Captain comes up to hit.

Finally, I got my first up-close, non-while driving on the FDR look at the new stadium since October, and I have to say, as much as I think it's absolutely retarded that we're moving(, even if there's no actual churban bayis), the new place looks pretty cool. Unfortunately, only 80 regular season games left in the Bayis Shlishi, the greatest building in the history of the world.