Sunday, December 30, 2007

Eli Manning is... Unstoppable

Saw this on AA. On a day when the Cowboys lose and look terrible while doing said losing, it's stuff like this that can turn that frown around.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Not a good Mourning (ickay Turgel)

Dachs has sobered up, but he has to finish his Jelen project. Filling in for this blog post, the one, the only, Kige Ramsey.

Alright YouTube viewers, and JeterChrist blog readers, as you may have heard, last night, Miami Heat center Alonzo Mourning tore a tendon in his knee........ and will probably have to retire. I believe this is a sad day for Alonzo Mourning and for the Miami Heat organization. I know Dachs is a Knick fan and everything and does not like Alonzo Mourning, but I just don't believe, I mean, this is not a good thing, I believe. This is a bad thing to happen to this team. I do not know how the Miami Heat are going to overcome all of them injuries.

This is Kige Ramsey for YouTube Dachs's blog, and this is just a reminder, to submit your questions now for Touchdown Tuesday, and I'll be back later today on YouTube with my NFL prognostication.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

T.O. laying down the law

Recently, the old T.O. is starting to come back a little bit. He hasn't been talking too much this season, but the mini-feud with Keyshawn seems to have brought his personality back.

This time his message is directed at Jessica Simpson, although he says he's going to save his real message to her for the playoffs.

Also, Roy Williams's appeal has been denied so he won't be playing Saturday night against Carolina. Balls, we need this game, hopefully whoever fills in, Keith Davis, Pat Watkins if he's healthy, can step up.

Mother of the Year

Well, as the year comes to a close, I guess I should give out some awards for the best whatever of the year. While it's possible this is the only category I'll do, and I'm only using it as a way to setup this post, try to ignore that, it's a fast day and I'm getting thirsty.

The inaugural mother of the year (apologies to my own mother for coming in 2nd this year, better luck next time), Mrs. Lynne Spears!

Not only did she give birth to the rebbetzin, who has had her own issues this year since we decided to take a break, she also has another daughter, a 16 year old daughter, the lovely in that sort of looks like Britney way, Ms. Jamie-Lynn Spears. Jamie-Lynn seemed to be starting a nice career for herself, appearing on the bastardized terrible version of All That, as well as getting her own show on Nick, Zoey 101.

But wait, she's preggers!

That's right, this 16 year old mini-Britney is preggers. My favorite quote about the whole thing comes from our honoree, who said, "I didn't believe it because Jamie-Lynn's always been so conscientious. She's never late for her curfew".

Okay, Lynne, I can call you Lynne right, unless you're the type of mother-in-law who prefers I call you Mom, either way, you suck as a parent. Never late for curfew? Spazz, she's either sneaking out afterwards, sneaking him in beforehand, or partaking in some afternoon delight.

And that, along with all the other news a certain special someone has been making this past year that we'll try to forget, is why Lynne Spears is the inaugural Jeter Christ Mother of the Year. You make Kathy Hilton look like Norma Arnold. Jeter Christ Almighty you suck at parenting.

In the other news of the day, Bill Parcells is going to be joining the Atlanta Falcons as a director of football operations, whatever that means. As long as he doesn't try to steal Jason Garrett away, I don't care. UPDATE: Apparently, he's turning them down and considering a similar offer from the Dolphins.

And finally, the official roommate of the blog, the one, the only, Taz Marelof is celebrating his 21st birthday. If you're not partaying tonight with him in honor of the occasion, the least you can do is go to his blog and click on his ad, and/or contribute to the lap-dance fund. Your call.

What the shuffle decided I should listen to: "Rock Star"-Kells/Luda/Kid Rock, that song is ridiculously good, "Piece of Me"-Britney, how appropriate.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

11 Pro Bowlers

New England Patriots, 14-0, some say they're the best team of all time, 8 Pro Bowlers. For what it's worth, admittedly not thaaaat much, the Cowboys (your 2007 NFC East Division Champs) have 11. 11! That includes 7 starters, really 8 since I don't think whoever's coaching will start Sean Taylor over Ken Hamlin, plus an additional 4 alternates. How Bout Dem Cowboys indeed.

Also, as some of you may know, today is Chris Farley's 10th yahrtzeit, only right to watch one of the funniest sketches in the show's history on this day.

(In a perfect world, this would've appeared before the video, but since you didn't click on the ad, this is a poorly-financed blog, so, there.)

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Finally, one of the greatest videos of all time is back on YouTube

Enjoy it while you can.

The Minutes

So the Cowboys lost, I'm pissed, and therefore instead of a normal blog post we end up with something like the following.

Minutes of the meeting, Klinger put down the blowup doll after repeatedly supermanning that doll, finally making his way to the fabulous Morg 403 Hotel and Casino Resort in DA HEIGHTS. M.I.M.S. Baby. Klinger did not put his hand on his leg when told to, he did however look, and continued to chew on his stale-ass nasty pretzels that he didn’t bring for anyone else, because he sucks, and is not a very polite guest. However, since this thing is due in 3 days, 4 days my bad. Good call Taz on the my bad getting in there. That should be a comma after bad, but I’ll let Klinger’s retardation slide just this once. Klinger said “Let’s Start.” This was obviously stupid because we had already started earlier in the semester when we made up to be in the group. Klinger did not know what a SWOT analysis was, we found this hysterical. Taz knows what literary criticism is however, for he reads books in exchange for half-hazard attempts that Klinger makes at using big words. This is because Klinger feels you can be a complete asstard, but if you’re wearing a suit, no one will mind. Klinger failed to pick up on “The Office” reference, for he does not watch funny TV. He prefers Lifetime, and the Oxygen network. He is also rather fond of the official sponsor of Dachs & Elie, Klinger recommended we use, for he had never heard of Wikipedia. Klinger suggested we make up our own country, for creativity alone, surely we would get full marks, good call Queer Dumbledore. By the way, let me pimp my blog, Klinger apparently thinks we are starting a business in every single country in the continent of Africa, for, as previously mentioned, he’s a little retarded. Klinger made believe he knew what the Tic-Tac-Toe box really represented, but he didn’t. Klinger created a Swiss Death Star, which failed miserably. Klinger insulted me tremendously when he said he never went to my blog, repeatedly. Klinger denied going to Taz’s blog, even though we all know he’s been there many a time, and twice on New Years’. Klinger was then easily distracted by the pretty pictures, for he has the attention span of a 5 year old jackass. Dachs, continued to set the record for most uses of the word ass in one blog post, he was not sure what was goin’ on there, maybe it’s because the ‘Boys lost so he’s upset. Dammit Klinger. Apparently, I spelled Switzerland, Switerland. Klinger finally finished his pretzel, and proceeded to attempt to read last week’s S.I. Yes, the one with Brett Favre on the cover as Sportsman of the Year, no, I don’t know why he was given that award either.

If you actually read this whole thing, you'll be in the running for my Blog Reader of the Year.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Please not Pettitte

So the long-awaited Mitchell Report comes out in an hour, and sources have already said that among others, Roger Clemens is on it. I really don't care that he's on it, nor am I surprised at all. But the one guy who I like who there is a little concern about him being on the list, is Andy Pettitte. It's a known fact that Pettitte shared a workout plan with Clemens, and trained with him. Who knows? Maybe Clemens injected him with HGH when he wasn't looking. That would suck.

Of course there's no chance in hell that the Captain will be on this list, since he is the paragon of virtue. Here's to hoping Ortiz and/or Schilling are on it, so we can asterisk '04 and '07.

In other news, the Knicks still suck, the Rangers still suck without Sean Avery, and the Cowboys can clinch home-field throughout the playoffs with a win this Sunday and a GB loss.

As for the big news of the last couple of days, Alex Trebek's heart attack. It was minor and he should be back in time for the next round of tapings, but if he's not, you know I know just the right man for the job.

UPDATE: So Pettitte's on there, balls. As for other Yankees, either those who took during their Yankee tenure, before, or after: Giambi, Clemens, Sheffield, Kevin Brown, Neagle, Manzanillo, Hal Morris, Velarde, Stanton, Rondell White (what?), Grimsley, Todd Williams, and good ol' Chuck Knoblauch.

No big name Red Sox, but let's start a conspiracy theory since Mitchell is involved with their organization so he covered up for Varitek, Schilling, Ortiz, and Trot Nixon.

But we can laugh at Mets fans, with Todd Hundley and Paul Lo Duca on there.

Pitchers and catchers 2 months from tomorrow.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Your 2007 NFC East Champions

Yesterday the Cowboys for the most part sucked. The defense was terrible, not getting a pass rush until the last drive, the offensive line had its worst game, in no small part due to Marc Colombo playing hurt. T.O. was routinely getting double- and even triple-teamed, rendering him useless. Fortunately enough, we had Marion Barber, Jason Witten, and of course, Romo. Especially Romo. The whole game he was solid, but on the last drive, Jeter Christ Almighty he was awesome. And now, for the first time since 1998, the Dallas Cowboys are your NFC East Champs. In related news,, welcome to the friends of the blog sidebar thing.

The Knicks lost again tonight. Isiah hasn't been fired yet.

Who else is pumped for the LaTroy Hawkins era? That might end up being our biggest acquisiton of the off-season, unless we get one of San Francisco's really good young pitchers, Lincecum or Cain, for Matsui. (And then if we flip that guy with Ian Kennedy or highly touted propsect Humberto Sanchez for Santana, hello nurse.)

And finally, it's officially the Christmas season. What makes me say that? Santa Kige, of course.

(Yeah, yeah, the gambling near-locks were dead wrong. I told you to bet against me.)

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Let's Make Some Money


Last night's fight was disappointing, not just because I was pulling for Hatton, but the constant clutching and grabbing made the first few rounds painful to watch. The last three rounds were exciting knowing that any moment Mayweather was gonna knock him out, but I'm very glad I didn't plunk down 55 bucks for this thing, good work Sopcast.

As for the future, supposedly Mayweather is gonna take the next 2 years off and maybe come back in 2010. I can see my boy Cotto going through any welterweight contenders during that time, guys like Hatton, Paul Williams and Ricardo Torres, and uniting the belts, leading to a huge PPV fight between the undefeated Mayweather and Cotto.


Alright, let's try this football betting blog thing. I probably should've done this Thursday or Friday, because of my dozens (and dozens) of readers, how many are gonna read it in the next hour? Whatever. Take my advice at your own risk, or bet against everything I say if it makes you feel better.

The near-locks: These are the bets that I think will win even up, no teasing needed. Throw 'em in a parlay if you'd like.
Eagles -3 vs the Giants, Eli Manning sucks, plus he's on the road (I know they beat Chicago last week on the road, Chicago's terrible, don't read too much into that), McNabb coming back, I see Philly winning easy.
TB -3 vs Houston. Vegas hasn't been giving TB too much respect this season, and even if one of the McCown boys is starting at QB, since Garcia is questionable, I still think they'll cover this spread.
Dallas -11 vs Detroit. Shocking I know. But we're out for blood against Kitna, I'd actually parlay this with the over if gambling was legal.
Saints -3 1/2. Atlanta is really bad, Saints are mediocre. I think they'll cover.

'Dogs I think got a solid chance at winning:
Jets +145 vs Cleveland, 49ers +310, no real reason for that one, just a gut feeling. Steelers are +340, but I'm just not feeling it. I think the Pats get back on track, win that game pretty easily, sorry Elie.

The Teasers: Pick 3 or 4 of these and make some money- Bills to -1, Seahawks to -1, Cowboys to -5 1/2, O/U in DAL-DET to 45, Pats to -4 1/2, SD/TEN O/U to 34, DEN to -1, SF to +15 1/2, Ravens to +16, O/U in Giants/Eagles to 36.

Some props: Romo O/U 300 1/2 passing yards, Romo O/U 3 TD passes, I can see a nice 320 yds, 4 TD game today, with T.O. getting 7 for 120, meaning take his O/Us too, LDT O/U 88 1/2 rushing yards, if Haynesworth doesn't play he'll get 150.

The lotto ticket parlay of the week: 13 to 1- Bills -7, Eagles -3, Pats -10 1/2, Seahawks -7.

Let's see how I do. I'm not necessarily gonna bet all of these things, that would be a little crazy. Alright, probably most of them. Gambling problem? What gambling problem?

We'll get to the Knicks maybe tomorrow. Pathetic how we got beat down by Philly back-to-back. How is Isiah still employed?

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

The Twins are quite dumb

Ok, the last time I ranted against someone for making a decision that was stupid but wasn't 100% final, but looked like it was, he got $300 million. So Bill Smith, you're welcome in advance.

Going into last season, the Yankees possessed the #1 pitching prospect in baseball. As great as Joba was this season, freaking bugs notwithstanding, Phil Hughes was actually the top prospect. At 21, he pitched quite well for the Yankees, with two very memorable performances already: No-hitting Texas for 7 1/3 before having to come out with a pulled hammy, and his great job out of the pen in our lone playoff win (with me in attendance), bailing out the exploded Rocket.

Melky Cabrera is already one of the best defensive centerfielders in baseball at age 22, tying for 2nd in the league with 12 outfield assists. Plus, when finally given regular playing time, he hit pretty well also and only figures to improve.

These two alone for Santana was better than the crap Boston was throwing at them, by not including Buchholz and Ellsbury together in any package. But they wanted us to thrown in Ian Kennedy too, and wouldn't accept two second-tier prospects instead.

Now it looks like they get a few more months of the great Johan Santana (my 1st round pick in the last 2 fantasy drafts, a championship followed by a runner-up) before he leaves in free agency, signing with us anyway. Even if Liriano is able to come back, Detroit is much better than them, Cleveland is too, they have about a 5-10% chance at even making the playoffs.

Good job Bill Smith, you could've had Hughes/Liriano anchoring your rotation for the next 5 years, now you get Santana/Liriano for 1. Moron.

PS: Some things to look forward to- if I'm not too lazy there might be the debut of the gambling post, take the Bears tomorrow night, but we'll get to Sunday's games there. Also, either a preview of the fight Saturday night, a recap, or both. (Alright, let's be honest, if even 1 of these gets done it'll be surprising.)

PPS: Eli Manning still sucks. They won last week in spite of him. And to think, they could've just drafted Roethlisberger. At this point, I obviously have to mention ROMO.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Happy Birthday Sweetie

2 out of 3 ain't bad

Good win by the 'Boys Thursday night. There was a definite letdown when we were up 27-10 and Favre got knocked out, plus the T.O. interception was particularly infuriating, but it all worked out in the end. We clinched a playoff berth, and are in the driver's seat for home field advantage throughout the playoffs. Congratulations are in order for my boy Romo, who set the single-season franchise record for TD passes in a season, as he now has 33, breaking Danny White's record of 29, and there are still 4 games left.

The Rangers finally beat DiPietro, and then went on to beat Ottawa yesterday. Jagr had another goal and seems to be back on track. One of the more underrated players to this point has been Marc Staal, possibly our best defenseman just 25 games into his career.

And the Knicks have won 3 out of 4. Yeah we got destroyed in the 1 loss, but we've won our last 3 home games, although today vs. Phoenix will be hard.