Why are you still here?

All the cool kids left, they're at the new place now.

Dachssnewblog.blogspot.com

See you soon.

The Picks

Wait a sec, Tim Calhoun's on, and he's a football cousin and a Donkey Kong best friend.

Anyway, the blog has 965 Schrutebucks and 17 Stanley Nickels. With that in mind, 100 on each of these:

Tennessee -9 at KC: Tennessee is really good, KC is really bad.

Pittsburgh -10 at CIN: Pittsburgh is really good, CIN is really bad.

Houston -9.5 vs DET: Houston is really good (the best 1-4 team in the world), DET is really bad.

Notice a trend there?

Also, over 35 in the PIT-CIN game, and under 47 in the DET-HOU game.

And in the upset portion, Oakland +155 to win straight out vs the Jets as McFadden romps, same with Cleveland +265 at Washington.

And put the surplus 65 SBucks and the SNickels on TB-11 vs SEA, because Tampa is really good (at football, not baseball), and SEA is really bad.

That leaves us with 200 Schrutebucks for a special occasion. Parlay and tease as you wish, but I got to keep my fun wagers secret or they'll lose, simple as that. Yeah, that's why they'd lose.

RELAPSE!

Eminem's back boys and girls. First the new book The Way I Am, and then most importantly, the new CD coming out in the next couple of months. Yeah. Baby.

In other music news, there's this new video out which in my view is one of the greatest of all time. Possibly top-5, definitely top-10. If you haven't seen it yet, you suck as a human being. If you have, well, watch it again.

The whole embedding/uploading thing is being retarded, so just go here.

Stay tuned for the mid-SNL football picks. Although I always do better when I don't post my picks, quite the conundrum, but I'll risk it for you guys.

Some thoughts for the offseason

Here's what I'm thinking, as of now. Goodbye Giambi, goodbye Pavano, goodbye Abreu. We sign Teixeira (at any price), Manny (blasphemy I know, but he'll f'ing destroy Boston every time which will be worth the 100 million it'll cost), Orlando Hudson, Sabathia, and Oliver Perez. Priorities in that order.

We attempt to make 2 big trades. San Diego's shopping Peavy, I don't love him as much as most (hey there Donny), but still, it's Peavy, he's 27 and locked in until 2013. According to the ESPN.com article I saw, they're looking for a near-ML ready CF and 2 pitching prospects. Well, how does Melky/Kennedy/Marquez sound?

Next, Seattle. They became the 1st team to lose 100 with a payroll of 100 million and are rumored to be looking to shed payroll. Rumor has it the whole team hates Ichiro. Well, how does Cano/Matsui for Ichiro/the injured Bedard sound?

And in a minor trade we take 2 relievers making no money, let's say Edwar and Bruney, and package them for Huston Street, whose contract Oakland's trying to get rid of.

Our new-look lineup:
CF Ichiro
SS Captain
1B Teix
DH Manny
3B A-Rod
C Posada
LF Damon
RF Nady
2B Hudson

Our new-look rotation:
Best-case: Sabathia, Peavy, Wang, Moose, Pettitte

Moose may retire, we may not get Sabathia and/or Peavy, which is where Oliver Perez would come in. Hughes spends the beginning of the year in AAA, and is the 1st guy up after an injury.

Bullpen: Mo closing, Joba in the 8th, Street/Coke/Melancon as other setup guys, Marte as the LOOGY, Giese as the long man.

Bench: Molina/Gardner/Betemit/Shelley or Christian.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Too painful to even look for a link, but the top story on Sportscenter. Damn.

I'm gonna go under the covers and cry.

Yeah...

So a quick note about yesterday's football action.

Let's go Rangers

Derek Jeter is Awesome

No real topics to blog about, but hey, I'm in the mood to blog. I guess we could talk about the fact that the Cowboys sucked again yesterday and we may only be a few bad passes away from Owens choking out Romo. We could talk about how the Rangers are undefeated and all alone in first place. We could talk about the baseball playoffs, and how awesome it is that the Mets choked. Again.

But instead, focus on this thought. Derek Jeter is the man. That is all.

Stone Cold Stunning Let's Hit Dachs With A Lead Pipe Dammit Why Is The Door Locked Picks Of The Week The Week The Week!!!!!

Ah, a long, rambling title filled with inside jokes. Is there anything better?

Anyway, here are the 1:00 lines that are so good you don't even need to think about teasing. We'll make believe the blog has a bankroll of 1,000 Schrutebucks.

49ers vs Saints, over 48.5- 2 high-powered offenses, 2 not very good defenses, shootout city, we'll bet 200 Schrutebucks on that one (to win 181.82).

Carolina -7 at home against Atlanta. 100 Schrutebucks (to wn 95.24), Atlanta is 2-1, but both games came at home against terrible teams. On the road against a good team? Eh-eh, it ain't gonna happen. Jonathan Stewart with a big day as the Panthers roll.

Titans -3 at home against the Vikings. As I said before the season (not here, but I did make a point of being mad pumped I got them off waivers preseason in the Yahoo league), the Titans defense is awesome. The Vikings offense, not so much. Peterson may find a way to get 80 and a TD, but Frerotte to Berrian has no chance today, Cortland Finnegan will shut them down, and Kerry Collins will do enough to cover that spread. 100 Schrutebucks (to win 80).

Tampa Bay as a pick 'em at home against Green Bay. Antonio Bryant with a huge game, Earnest Graham with a good bounce back game, Bucs roll at home by at least 10. 100 Schrutebucks (to win 90.91).

Bet those straight up, throw em in a parlay, whatever, go crazy and make some money with them.

As for the crazy 5 team tease, how about Denver to -4, Browns/Bengals O/U to 39, Jags to -1, Titans to +3, and GB/TB O/U to 37. 100 Schrutebucks (to win 450).

And even if all those lose, we'll still have 400 Schrutebucks for the 4:00 game. How awesome is that?

In other news, crazy couple days in college football, shaping up to be an awesome day of baseball today, I still have hardcore bird flu, Moose going for 20, and a huge game for the 'Boys. A crazy day ahead of us all, enjoy.

19-8

As soon as I heard the score from Friday night's game, all I could think about was the last night it was better to be a Yankee fan than a Red Sox fan*. Maybe next year.

Tomorrow is one of those mammoth sports days, with races coming down to the last day and maybe beyond, and a solid slate of football. Depending on my bird flu I may even put some gambling picks tomorrow morning so start getting your hopes up.

30 minutes until Anna Faris finally makes her SNL debut. Sweet.






*Obviously, rooting for a team containing the Captain is an honor and a privilege. But you get the point with that sentence, I miss the curse, what can I say?

Let the mourning commence

"It basically boils down to we weren't good enough," Jeter said. "That's the only way you can put it. Our team didn't play well enough the whole season in order to get to where we needed to be. It's a huge disappointment. That's pretty much all you can say."

RIP Yankee Stadium 1923-2008

Holy crap what a night. More thoughts later, but simply put, if you weren't there you missed one of the greatest, most emotional nights in the illustrious history of the Bayis. Again, many more thoughts to come, but holy crap what a night.

Goodbye Amy

The big SNL news of the day, well, of yesterday, Amy Poehler's announcement that she will be leaving the show after the election. She's mad preggers, as we all saw last episode, and will be taking maternity leave. After which, she will focus her attention on her new job, as part of the new Office spinoff that still has been managed to be kept secret. All we know is it'll be starting after the Super Bowl, much like Family Guy and Kimmel did back in the day.

As for Poehler, she was definitely one of the most valuable cast members since Ferrell left, I always thought she was overrated, but still very funny. Her impressions of Dakota Fanning and Hillary Clinton are among the best in the show's history, while some of her characters like the annoying little girl who keeps yelling Rick and the one-legged chick who farts all the time are quite dumb.

Either way, she will be missed, and it'll be interesting to see what they do with Update, if they go with Seth alone, or pair him up with someone else, maybe Kenan can do it with his Barkley "impression".

The Record That Will Never Be Broken

Last night, in another disappointing loss in this tragic sorry-sack season, there was at least one extremely bright spot. The Captain went 2-3, giving him 1,271 hits at the Bayis, 2 more than Lou Gehrig had and 1,000 more than Randy Velarde. Our heartfelt congratulations to the Captain on this lofty milestone. Even the Captain is pumped about this one, and he generally tends not to give a crap, especially when we lose. But as he said, "This is something that's pretty special. I would be lying to you if I said it wasn't. Records are made to be broken, but this one at least will never be broken."

On a more personal note, my thanks to the Captain. He got 9 hits in 2 days, the last 3 of which coming with me at the game, to tie the record. He then purposely went 0-4 so he could wait to set the record on my birthday. My appreciation for his benevolence to his truest disciple.

And we're back. Again.

So I was gone from this thing for awhile since there were other projects going on. The main one of those is basically done/dead and buried/raped in the face. So good news! Today, on the 22nd anniversary of the birth of Jeter Christ's truest disciple, the blog comes back to life. Go out and celebrate for the blog is back! See you later today.

Rock freaking Bottom

11-2, going to the 9th. The comeback starts, now?

RIP Gene Upshaw

Absolutely shocking news this morning as I saw on the brand spanking new live Sportscenter that Gene Upshaw passed away. Upshaw recently found out he had pancreatic cancer. He was 62.

One of the best linemen of all time, and recently one of the most controversial figure in sports, I could recap his life, or I could take the easy way out and just send you here.

4 in one day?!

Oh yeah, by far my most prolific day of blogging. But how can I let the night go by without officially congratulating the Captain, here on his blog, on tying Roger Maris on the franchise home run list. The gargantuan blast gave us the breathing room we needed, and behind the great Andy Pettitte we won 5-1, plus we gained a game on both Tampa and Boston.

Well I'm exhausted from all this blogging so we'll hold it here, but yeah, the season ain't over yet.

The coolest thing ever

Just got back from the great BestBuy where I got myself an iHome. I wanted to try it out so I plug it in, and then I remember, "aw crap, I'm gonna have to set the time on this thing, that's so annoying, plus if I'm gonna move it to the apartment next week I'm gonna have to set it again. Balls."

So I plug it in, and the most amazing thing happens. It knows the time and date all by itself (albeit Central time, but still). Holy crap. This thing is a genius.

A-Rod the liar

Just saw this quote in today's Daily News:

"I was thinking double right away; get out of the box as soon as you can"

Bull. Crap.

Is there a reason...

...Damon can't catch?

...Giambi can't hit?

...A-Rod's such a retard?

...Matsui's so overrated?

...Team USA can't shoot free throws?

...I'm too lazy to really blog?