The First Temple of the Captain Jeter Christ

Why are you still here?

2008-12-01T00:49:00.000-08:00

All the cool kids left, they're at the new place now.

Dachssnewblog.blogspot.com

See you soon.

The Picks

2008-10-18T21:17:00.000-07:00

Wait a sec, Tim Calhoun's on, and he's a football cousin and a Donkey Kong best friend.

Anyway, the blog has 965 Schrutebucks and 17 Stanley Nickels. With that in mind, 100 on each of these:

Tennessee -9 at KC: Tennessee is really good, KC is really bad.

Pittsburgh -10 at CIN: Pittsburgh is really good, CIN is really bad.

Houston -9.5 vs DET: Houston is really good (the best 1-4 team in the world), DET is really bad.

Notice a trend there?

Also, over 35 in the PIT-CIN game, and under 47 in the DET-HOU game.

And in the upset portion, Oakland +155 to win straight out vs the Jets as McFadden romps, same with Cleveland +265 at Washington.

And put the surplus 65 SBucks and the SNickels on TB-11 vs SEA, because Tampa is really good (at football, not baseball), and SEA is really bad.

That leaves us with 200 Schrutebucks for a special occasion. Parlay and tease as you wish, but I got to keep my fun wagers secret or they'll lose, simple as that. Yeah, that's why they'd lose.

RELAPSE!

2008-10-18T19:48:00.001-07:00

Eminem's back boys and girls. First the new book The Way I Am, and then most importantly, the new CD coming out in the next couple of months. Yeah. Baby.

In other music news, there's this new video out which in my view is one of the greatest of all time. Possibly top-5, definitely top-10. If you haven't seen it yet, you suck as a human being. If you have, well, watch it again.

The whole embedding/uploading thing is being retarded, so just go here.

Stay tuned for the mid-SNL football picks. Although I always do better when I don't post my picks, quite the conundrum, but I'll risk it for you guys.

Some thoughts for the offseason

2008-10-17T14:24:00.000-07:00

Here's what I'm thinking, as of now. Goodbye Giambi, goodbye Pavano, goodbye Abreu. We sign Teixeira (at any price), Manny (blasphemy I know, but he'll f'ing destroy Boston every time which will be worth the 100 million it'll cost), Orlando Hudson, Sabathia, and Oliver Perez. Priorities in that order.

We attempt to make 2 big trades. San Diego's shopping Peavy, I don't love him as much as most (hey there Donny), but still, it's Peavy, he's 27 and locked in until 2013. According to the ESPN.com article I saw, they're looking for a near-ML ready CF and 2 pitching prospects. Well, how does Melky/Kennedy/Marquez sound?

Next, Seattle. They became the 1st team to lose 100 with a payroll of 100 million and are rumored to be looking to shed payroll. Rumor has it the whole team hates Ichiro. Well, how does Cano/Matsui for Ichiro/the injured Bedard sound?

And in a minor trade we take 2 relievers making no money, let's say Edwar and Bruney, and package them for Huston Street, whose contract Oakland's trying to get rid of.

Our new-look lineup:
CF Ichiro
SS Captain
1B Teix
DH Manny
3B A-Rod
C Posada
LF Damon
RF Nady
2B Hudson

Our new-look rotation:
Best-case: Sabathia, Peavy, Wang, Moose, Pettitte

Moose may retire, we may not get Sabathia and/or Peavy, which is where Oliver Perez would come in. Hughes spends the beginning of the year in AAA, and is the 1st guy up after an injury.

Bullpen: Mo closing, Joba in the 8th, Street/Coke/Melancon as other setup guys, Marte as the LOOGY, Giese as the long man.

Bench: Molina/Gardner/Betemit/Shelley or Christian.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-13T09:18:00.001-07:00

Too painful to even look for a link, but the top story on Sportscenter. Damn.

I'm gonna go under the covers and cry.

Yeah...

2008-10-13T08:37:00.000-07:00

So a quick note about yesterday's football action.

Let's go Rangers

Derek Jeter is Awesome

2008-10-06T09:16:00.000-07:00

No real topics to blog about, but hey, I'm in the mood to blog. I guess we could talk about the fact that the Cowboys sucked again yesterday and we may only be a few bad passes away from Owens choking out Romo. We could talk about how the Rangers are undefeated and all alone in first place. We could talk about the baseball playoffs, and how awesome it is that the Mets choked. Again.

But instead, focus on this thought. Derek Jeter is the man. That is all.

Stone Cold Stunning Let's Hit Dachs With A Lead Pipe Dammit Why Is The Door Locked Picks Of The Week The Week The Week!!!!!

2008-09-28T07:45:00.000-07:00

Ah, a long, rambling title filled with inside jokes. Is there anything better?

Anyway, here are the 1:00 lines that are so good you don't even need to think about teasing. We'll make believe the blog has a bankroll of 1,000 Schrutebucks.

49ers vs Saints, over 48.5- 2 high-powered offenses, 2 not very good defenses, shootout city, we'll bet 200 Schrutebucks on that one (to win 181.82).

Carolina -7 at home against Atlanta. 100 Schrutebucks (to wn 95.24), Atlanta is 2-1, but both games came at home against terrible teams. On the road against a good team? Eh-eh, it ain't gonna happen. Jonathan Stewart with a big day as the Panthers roll.

Titans -3 at home against the Vikings. As I said before the season (not here, but I did make a point of being mad pumped I got them off waivers preseason in the Yahoo league), the Titans defense is awesome. The Vikings offense, not so much. Peterson may find a way to get 80 and a TD, but Frerotte to Berrian has no chance today, Cortland Finnegan will shut them down, and Kerry Collins will do enough to cover that spread. 100 Schrutebucks (to win 80).

Tampa Bay as a pick 'em at home against Green Bay. Antonio Bryant with a huge game, Earnest Graham with a good bounce back game, Bucs roll at home by at least 10. 100 Schrutebucks (to win 90.91).

Bet those straight up, throw em in a parlay, whatever, go crazy and make some money with them.

As for the crazy 5 team tease, how about Denver to -4, Browns/Bengals O/U to 39, Jags to -1, Titans to +3, and GB/TB O/U to 37. 100 Schrutebucks (to win 450).

And even if all those lose, we'll still have 400 Schrutebucks for the 4:00 game. How awesome is that?

In other news, crazy couple days in college football, shaping up to be an awesome day of baseball today, I still have hardcore bird flu, Moose going for 20, and a huge game for the 'Boys. A crazy day ahead of us all, enjoy.

19-8

2008-09-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

As soon as I heard the score from Friday night's game, all I could think about was the last night it was better to be a Yankee fan than a Red Sox fan*. Maybe next year.

Tomorrow is one of those mammoth sports days, with races coming down to the last day and maybe beyond, and a solid slate of football. Depending on my bird flu I may even put some gambling picks tomorrow morning so start getting your hopes up.

30 minutes until Anna Faris finally makes her SNL debut. Sweet.

*Obviously, rooting for a team containing the Captain is an honor and a privilege. But you get the point with that sentence, I miss the curse, what can I say?

Let the mourning commence

2008-09-23T23:18:00.000-07:00

"It basically boils down to we weren't good enough," Jeter said. "That's the only way you can put it. Our team didn't play well enough the whole season in order to get to where we needed to be. It's a huge disappointment. That's pretty much all you can say."

RIP Yankee Stadium 1923-2008

2008-09-22T08:40:00.000-07:00

Holy crap what a night. More thoughts later, but simply put, if you weren't there you missed one of the greatest, most emotional nights in the illustrious history of the Bayis. Again, many more thoughts to come, but holy crap what a night.

Goodbye Amy

2008-09-18T07:54:00.000-07:00

The big SNL news of the day, well, of yesterday, Amy Poehler's announcement that she will be leaving the show after the election. She's mad preggers, as we all saw last episode, and will be taking maternity leave. After which, she will focus her attention on her new job, as part of the new Office spinoff that still has been managed to be kept secret. All we know is it'll be starting after the Super Bowl, much like Family Guy and Kimmel did back in the day.

As for Poehler, she was definitely one of the most valuable cast members since Ferrell left, I always thought she was overrated, but still very funny. Her impressions of Dakota Fanning and Hillary Clinton are among the best in the show's history, while some of her characters like the annoying little girl who keeps yelling Rick and the one-legged chick who farts all the time are quite dumb.

Either way, she will be missed, and it'll be interesting to see what they do with Update, if they go with Seth alone, or pair him up with someone else, maybe Kenan can do it with his Barkley "impression".

The Record That Will Never Be Broken

2008-09-17T08:22:00.000-07:00

Last night, in another disappointing loss in this tragic sorry-sack season, there was at least one extremely bright spot. The Captain went 2-3, giving him 1,271 hits at the Bayis, 2 more than Lou Gehrig had and 1,000 more than Randy Velarde. Our heartfelt congratulations to the Captain on this lofty milestone. Even the Captain is pumped about this one, and he generally tends not to give a crap, especially when we lose. But as he said, "This is something that's pretty special. I would be lying to you if I said it wasn't. Records are made to be broken, but this one at least will never be broken."

On a more personal note, my thanks to the Captain. He got 9 hits in 2 days, the last 3 of which coming with me at the game, to tie the record. He then purposely went 0-4 so he could wait to set the record on my birthday. My appreciation for his benevolence to his truest disciple.

And we're back. Again.

2008-09-15T23:59:00.000-07:00

So I was gone from this thing for awhile since there were other projects going on. The main one of those is basically done/dead and buried/raped in the face. So good news! Today, on the 22nd anniversary of the birth of Jeter Christ's truest disciple, the blog comes back to life. Go out and celebrate for the blog is back! See you later today.

Rock freaking Bottom

2008-08-27T19:10:00.000-07:00

11-2, going to the 9th. The comeback starts, now?

RIP Gene Upshaw

2008-08-21T08:55:00.000-07:00

Absolutely shocking news this morning as I saw on the brand spanking new live Sportscenter that Gene Upshaw passed away. Upshaw recently found out he had pancreatic cancer. He was 62.

One of the best linemen of all time, and recently one of the most controversial figure in sports, I could recap his life, or I could take the easy way out and just send you here.

4 in one day?!

2008-08-20T21:57:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, by far my most prolific day of blogging. But how can I let the night go by without officially congratulating the Captain, here on his blog, on tying Roger Maris on the franchise home run list. The gargantuan blast gave us the breathing room we needed, and behind the great Andy Pettitte we won 5-1, plus we gained a game on both Tampa and Boston.

Well I'm exhausted from all this blogging so we'll hold it here, but yeah, the season ain't over yet.

The coolest thing ever

2008-08-20T13:42:00.001-07:00

Just got back from the great BestBuy where I got myself an iHome. I wanted to try it out so I plug it in, and then I remember, "aw crap, I'm gonna have to set the time on this thing, that's so annoying, plus if I'm gonna move it to the apartment next week I'm gonna have to set it again. Balls."

So I plug it in, and the most amazing thing happens. It knows the time and date all by itself (albeit Central time, but still). Holy crap. This thing is a genius.

A-Rod the liar

2008-08-20T06:06:00.000-07:00

Just saw this quote in today's Daily News:

"I was thinking double right away; get out of the box as soon as you can"

Bull. Crap.

Is there a reason...

2008-08-20T05:40:00.000-07:00

...Damon can't catch?

...Giambi can't hit?

...A-Rod's such a retard?

...Matsui's so overrated?

...Team USA can't shoot free throws?

...I'm too lazy to really blog?

4-4, 3R, SB

2008-08-18T06:23:00.000-07:00

My favorite kind of post. The title says it all, and the deficits are now down to 9.5 and 5. Plus, as much as I can't stand him, it can't hurt too bad to get Matsui back, and Hughes might be back Friday. It's getting good now.

Holy crap he did it

2008-08-16T20:16:00.000-07:00

My official rankings of the greatest athletes of all-time, non-Jeter edition:

1. Michael Jordan
2. Babe Ruth
3. Michael Phelps
4. Tiger Woods
5. Lance Armstrong

Plus the Yankees finally win, Tampa and Boston finally lose, pretty damn sweet sports day.

I Promise

2008-08-13T12:50:00.000-07:00

If A-Rod homers this at-bat I won't say anything mean about him for a week.

UPDATE: You cock-juggling thundercunt.

No title can portray the frustration

2008-08-12T17:46:00.000-07:00

Twins have 2nd and 3rd with no one out, and they hit 2 fly balls, scoring both runs without even getting a hit.

While whenever we've had a guy on 3rd with no out or 1 out these past few weeks, it seems every single time they're left stranded. And that's a major part of why we're 9 and 5 out.

At least Leetch and Richter got inducted into the HHOF today.

And at least it's only the 2nd inning.

UPDATE: Apparently Leetch and Richter were inducted into the USHHOF. Was given faulty information, sorry about that. Also, we've failed another 2 times to get runners in from 3rd with less than 2 out but thanks to the Captain and Moose we're actually winning. Now if only Texas can make yet another comeback and Oakland can keep it going. And of course our bullpen doesn't f it up again.

3-4, HR, BB, 2 RBI, SB

2008-08-08T12:05:00.001-07:00

5 1/2 behind the Devil Rays, 3 1/2 behind Boston.

That is all.

He hath performed yet another miracle

2008-08-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

During last night's essential victory, the Captain performed yet another miracle. With A-Rod up with 2 out and a 1-2 count, the Captain was on 1st base. He knew A-Rod would strike out. He therefore knew he would have to steal 2nd, 3rd and home in order to score. However, it was a 1-2 count and he knew A-Rod would strike out on the next pitch. What a quandary.

Yet the Captain knew what he had to do. He would need to draw a throw to 1st. So he took a sizable lead, and led the pitcher to believe he could pick him off. Sure enough, pickoff attempt and it looks like there'll be a 3rd out. Behold the power of the Captain. He made his way to the 2nd, at which point Chris Davis flipped the ball to Michael Young for the easy tag. But wait! Young dropped the ball! Jeter Christ indeed.

Unfortunately, the pitcher caught on to what was happening and didn't risk attempting a pick-off at 2nd, instead striking A-Rod out on the next pitch.

Never a good thing...

2008-08-06T09:31:00.000-07:00

...when you're 6 1/2 out of 1st and you have Sidney Ponson starting that night.

...when you hear that Joba Chamberlain is going to visit Dr. James Andrews.

...when you turn on ESPN Classic and all you can see is a terrible combination of billiards and auto racing.

...when your supposedly genius manager uses Melky Cabrera, who can't hit, as a pinch-hitter.

...when your bullpen, shockingly reliable all year, starts to suck. Like really not good.

...when your city loses another great place, this time Rififi.

...when your starting rotation is Mike Mussina, Andy Pettitte, Sidney Ponson, Darrell Rasner, Dan Giese. Freaking injuries. This should be Wang, Joba, Moose, Pettitte, Hughes, not to mention Pavano and Kennedy.

Early Afternoon Strum

2008-08-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

I hate the middle of the summer away games in Texas. Always have, always will. They're always long, interminable and painful to watch. I always think of the disastrous games there in years past, be they the days when Texas's lineup had Pudge, Palmeiro and Juan-Gone, or a couple of years ago when Torre decided it would be a good idea to have Wayne "Who?" Franklin pitching with the game on the line. I was reminded of that game last night when Girardi left in Marte with the bases loaded, even though he was clearly done. It was hot, he had thrown a lot of pitches, didn't have good control, but Girardi didn't want to bring in the new kid since he's a rookie. That logic was insane, it's Texas not Fenway, and it ended up biting us in the balls. Not good times.

Even worse times, Joba came out of the game with a shoulder injury. Post game, Girardi and Joba didn't think it was a big deal, but he's still taking some tests today. Obviously if there's anything wrong we're gonna have a problem.

Of course he shouldn't have had to throw the pitch that led to his removal. I don't know what the umpiring crew was thinking, reversing the double play call. Even after seeing 20 replays it was still hard to tell, so for them to reverse it without seeing anything is simply retarded.

The only good thing to come out of this game was the continued emergence of the Gangsta as a beast.

Yet another game Tampa and Boston lose, and we can't get the job done to get closer. Of course tonight we'll win, but so will they.

In other news, what's the deal with all the dying celebrities? First comes the news Bernie Mac is in the hospital with a very severe case of pneumonia and is in critical condition. Then Christina Applegate, who has a legitimate JCHOF case for her portrayal of Kelly Bundy, reveals she has breast cancer. Then Morgan Freeman is in a serious car accident. Craziness. What's next? Whoopi Goldberg gets a severe case of gonorrhea, Al Bundy has prostate cancer, and Michael Caine gets in a train crash?

And finally, this thought is a couple of days old, but as it stands, I would just like to point out that "why so serious" has been replaced for the time being by "I'll kiss you on the mouth Kenny Rogers" as line of the summer. Of course, that could all change tomorrow.

All hail the gangsta

2008-08-04T08:18:00.000-07:00

Not enough time for a real post at the moment, but had to get some thoughts on yesterday's game up here.

First and foremost, the streak continues. It didn't look good at times, but I just kept reminding myself that when I get to the bayis before the gates open we win. Sure enough it happened again.

Second, my prognostication skills were quite sick, as I said before the game we'd get 4 runs off Lackey in 6 innings. Clearly, the dumbest baserunning decision of all time, performed by Bobby Abreu, was in order to keep that intact. Thanks for the brainfart Bobby.

Third, Xavier Nady. It was my first time seeing him play in person, and hilariously enough he had DMX along with some other gangsta rap as his entrance music. Hence his new name. No longer is he the X-Man, he is the Gangsta. You can call him the OG for short, considering I've never called a Yankee "Gangsta", so technically he is the OG. Also, we traded the AG, so it won't be that confusing.

Fourth, Joe Girardi. How do you leave in Edwar Ramirez to face soon-to-be Yankee Big Teix? Even if Mo was unavailable and he had good numbers against Marte, bring in Bruney, Veras, the new kid, whoever. But there was no doubt Teix was hitting that grand slam on that pitch.

Fifth, Dan Giese. The most underappreciated, underutilized Yankee. He should be starting instead of Rasner.

Sixth, Reggie Willits. 4 plate appearances, 4 walks. He's got a .185 batting average, and forget warning track power, he barely has outfield power. Unacceptable.

But at the end of the day, with great help from the Gangsta and the Captain (started 2 rallies, patented awesome play in the hole, ho hum), we win again, getting a much-needed split of the series. Too bad Farnsworth and Rodney suck, otherwise we'd be 4.5 out.

Tonight, Joba time. 4 games against Texas, I'm feeling the sweep.

Finally

2008-08-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

Even though we got beat down by the Angels last night, yesterday will go down as one of the great days in this Yankee season. The reason? One of the scariest hitters we've ever faced is no longer our problem. Jason Bay might be nice but he ain't Manny Ramirez. Plus they had to give up some nice prospects in Brandon Moss and Craig Hansen. Good times. Now if Ponson can stop pitching like crap and get us a win tonight it'll be fantastic.

Morning Strum

2008-07-28T07:16:00.000-07:00

Can we please get rid of this man? Thanks.

In other news: Been gone for a couple of weeks, but a lot has happened. The biggest story obviously the fight of the year Saturday night, as my boy Miguel Cotto suffered the first loss of his career, getting beat by Antonio Margarito. This will obviously change some things in boxing, as Cotto would've been in line to beat De La Hoya and then maybe finally be recognized as the best pound-for-pound in the world. He'll probably challenge for, and get, a rematch, but either way his record is no longer unblemished. Sucks for him.

The continued fall of Andruw Jones

2008-07-14T08:53:00.000-07:00

Right now, on Bodog, along with other legitimate candidates for MVP, you can bet on Andrew (sic) Jones to win the NL MVP. The odds you'd get? 1000/1. Would Kevin from the Office even make that bet? I don't think so. Gotta get it up to 10,000/1 at least.

In other news, decent chance of the return of Morning Strum in the next couple of days. Some late nights have led to some non-existent mornings and early afternoon strum just doesn't sound as good.

Morning Strum

2008-07-09T09:25:00.000-07:00

Need I say more?

Morning Strum

2008-07-07T07:32:00.000-07:00

Our top story this morning: Brett Gardner rules.

Last night's game was simply awesome. It was a must-win game (as pretty much all of the games on the schedule will be from here on out) and we found a way to win.

The Captain with the standard clutch-hit/spectacular defensive plays combo, A-Rod tying Mantle, Farnsworth/Mo keeping up the great work, and finally Gardner putting up a great at-bat against Papelbitch, culminating in the Luis Sojoesque single up the middle to win the game. (Of course, since I was there before the gates opened, I take full credit for the win as my streak continues.)

Gardner becomes the 3rd Yankee rookie in the last 30 years to have a walk-off hit against Boston. The other 2? Mattingly and The Captain.

In other news: Sather continued to drive the stake in my heart, signing Naslund which led to Jagr signing with Russia. I guess Drury'll be the captain, probably Gomez and Naslund as alternates. I would still much rather have last year's team then the hell this offseason wreaked on us. Freaking Sather. It's turning into the same problem as before the lockout created a salary cap. When he has money to spend he spends it on all stars from 5 years ago.

Nadal won Wimbledon in what was possibly the greatest tennis match of all time. I only saw the 5th set, but that may have been the greatest set I've ever seen. I was just hoping if Federer lost it wouldn't be on him hitting the ball into the net, which of course happened. Nadal is now being almost universally recognized, as he should, as the top player in the world. It'll be interesting to see if these 2 make the final at the US Open, where Federer has been dominant, winning the last 4.

The All-Star teams were announced, and though hard to believe, the reserves were more ridiculous than usual. Varitek? Are you kidding me? No Lackey? No Moose? No Hamels? Decent closers like Brian Wilson should not be going ahead of Hamels, and Saunders over Moose is a bad call too. The only really nice thing to see about the reserves was no sack of crap Reyes.

And finally, in a story that I really haven't cared about at all, A-Rod and C-Rod are getting divorced. I really couldn't care less, but as a Daily News subscriber I've been seeing this story on the back cover for the last week. Considering I live on the UWS, where supposedly A-Rod and Madonna have been cavorting when the sun goes down, I may have to start staking some places out to get the real story.

Let's go Royals.

Morning Strum

2008-07-03T07:25:00.000-07:00

Our top story this morning: I still hate Glen Sather.

No, I'm not over this yet, and probably never will be unless we win it all. To his credit, Sather is trying to make it up to me as this morning we got rid of the retard Christian Backman, trading him with Fedor Tyutin for Nikolai Zherdev and Dan Fritsche. As much as I'll mis Tyuts, that's how happy I am that Backman's gone.

As for what we got back, Zherdev is described on ESPN.com as an enigmatic offensive star from Russia. Good to get Kovalev back, I guess we'll have to wait for Zherdev to go to Montreal in 10 years for him to emerge on his own.

But still, Sather, seriously, what were you thinking not resigning Avery? You incompetent retard, if you mess up the Jagr negotiations too I want you out of my city.

Any Rangers fan out there? Would you rather have the current Rosival/Redden/no Avery, or Orpik/Streit/Avery for 1-2 million more? Thought so. Freaking Sather.

In other news: Hey, the Yankees can score runs again!

Look what happens when the Captain gets back in the lineup. He was clearly rusty with his timing way off, but his presence alone put 75 runs on the board (26 in the 7th and 8th alone).

Bring on Boston, for the freaking huge 4 game series starting tonight, with a fantastic day game tomorrow (July 4th rules). Pettitte vs Lester tonight.

Also, the Sonics moving to Oklahoma City is closer to happening. This is absolutely ridiculous, I really can't believe David Stern is letting (encouraging?) this happen.

And finally, let the record show, Rescue Me minisodes just aren't good enough. Stupid writer's strike, we need real episodes.

I Hate Glen Sather

2008-07-02T14:37:00.000-07:00

Yeah, why re-sign the most important players on the team? It's only a matter of time until he screws up the Jagr negotiations too. But hey, at least we got Patrick Rissmiller, whatever that is.

Morning Strum

2008-07-02T06:59:00.000-07:00

Our top story this morning: Joe Girardi might be retarded.

Last night, the Captain had the night off. While this pissed me off more than usual since I was at the game, it wasn't an egregiously terrible decision to give him a game off. Then came the 9th inning. Wilson Betemit singled, bringing up Melky Cabrera, who has absolutely sucked recently. Alberto Gonzalez pinch-ran for Betemit, which made sense. Girardi had many options here. With the speedy Gonzalez on 1st, and Jarrod Saltalamachhia's mediocre throwing arm behind the plate, he could've had him tried to steal. He could've then had Melky bunt him to 3rd. Or he could've had Melky bunt right away, preventing the double play. Or, of course, with the best player on the team out of the lineup, he could've pinch-hit for Melky, especially since his already terrible hitting gets even worse from the right side.

Instead, weak groundball double play. Momentum gone. One broken bat grounder later with the Captain stuck on deck, and the game was over.

The stage was set dammit. Man on 1st, down a run, pinch-hit the Captain, I was close enough to the field he could've tipped his helmet to me, turned around and won the game with his 200th career homer. Instead, Girardi had to be a retard.

In other news:

Let's go Rangers: Good day for the defense, resigning Michael Rosival and bringing in Wade Redden. Now all we need to do is re-sign Jagr, Avery and maybe bring in Brooks Orpik and I'll be happy.

In other hockey news, we get to really hate Bobby Holik again as he's back with the Devils. Good times.

And finally in this debut edition of morning strum, Baron Davis to the Clippers. This'll end in 1 of 2 ways. The Clippers will be a very good team next year, or Davis will get hurt again, adding to the Clippers legacy of bad luck.

Merry Christmas!

2008-06-26T06:36:00.000-07:00

On this day 34 years ago, Jeter Christ, Our Lord and Savior, was born. I'll be out celebrating in style all day, singing carols and bringing good tidings. Here's one carol I like to sing on this day:

(To the tune of Silent Night)

Je-eter Christ, Je-eter Christ, is so awesome, and so great.
Made The Flip, Made The Dive,
He is the best of all-time.

Je-eter Christ, Je-eter Christ, without him, the Yankees would suck.
Gonna get 5,000 hits,
He is the best of all-time.

In big news for the blog, let me pull a Kige and tell you what to expect here in the future. Alright YouTube viewers, in the mornings, assuming I'm awake and am home, I will be starting the Morning Strum segment. This is where I will recap the major events of last night's action. Then, later in the day, there will be the ESPN Classic segment. This will be where I list what my programming would be for that channel on that day. Billiards and auto shows probably won't be involved. Of course, there will be occasional regular posts, where I will give my take on random crap. I hope you have enjoyed this preview, and as always, I look forward to reading your comments in the comment section below this video (yes, I'm pointing).

And finally, trivia shout-out to Taz. I'd link to his blog, but the Deep Thoughts of the Bat-Taz are no longer.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Details to Follow

2008-06-18T15:40:00.000-07:00

No time for a real blog, but some quick things going on that will be delved into soon.

1. The Yankees have won the last 2 games by a combined score of 20-0. The swagger is back, bring it on Peavy.

2. We have just signed Sidney Ponson to a minor-league deal. No report on if we've also brought back Scott Erickson and Terrence Long.

3. This week's SI players poll shows that 10% of those polled feel the Captain is the most overrated player in baseball. This outrage will be blogged about, believe me, his honor will be defended.

4. Massive congratulations to my boy KG. I may hate Boston but I love KG and I was rooting for them to win this series. Congratulations also to Kige and Rosie. Let's go Celts indeed.

More to come soon enough. Let's go Yanks.

The Mets Frown Upon Winning Streaks

2008-06-17T07:51:00.000-07:00

The Mets have won 2 in a row, and 3 out of 4. Naturally it's time to fire the pitching coach, first-base coach (seriously, terrible job this season by the first-base coach) and the manager. While Willie Randolph may be a traitor for leaving after 2004 for the retards in Queens (Hi HannahJ!), this move makes very little sense. As has been pointed out on various platforms, Jerry Manuel and Randolph are very similar, so what's the point? If they went with my boy HoJo, then fine, but this is just odd.

What the Mets should do, but probably won't, is bring back either of the managers who actually had success with those losers: Davey Johnson or Bobby Valentine. This assumes they want the job, but come on, to be able to work a mere few miles away from the Captain? Obviously it would be better to be a parking attendant in the South Bronx but it's better than managing in Japan.

In other news: JCHOFer Tiger Woods was awesome the past 3 days, with 3 sick eagles Shabbos, and 2 ridiculously Captainesquely clutch birdies on 18 each of the last 2 days, before finally finishing off Rocco Mediate on the 91st hole. He is now 14 for 14 when leading a major after 3 rounds. Pretty good, pretty pretty good.

The tragic news is of course the news that the Wanger will be out until September. This sucks. Can we make due with a rotation of Pettitte, Joba, Moose, Rasner and Giese/minor league callup? Of course, we still have the Captain.

But who would that callup be? It simply can't be Igawa, who is as lost a cause as there has ever been. Daniel McCutchen has been very good this year and Alan Horne was fantastic last year, but I think it'll be Jeff Karstens, who is healthy again and conveniently is on line to start in Wang's spot on normal rest. Kennedy will probably be back by the end of the month, just like your mom's period, but Phillip the prolific blogger can't realistically be counted on in the immediate short-term.

There is another option. If Cleveland continues to suck, maybe Sabathia becomes available, but I (as well as Cashman, who actually makes these decisions) didn't want to give up anything too substantial for Santana, who is better than Sabathia, so I don't see this happening, unless Cleveland is willing to settle for something along the lines of Kennedy/Horne/Marquez.

The Epitome of Frustration

2008-06-16T09:15:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last 2 1/2 hours trying to get my password for the All-Star Game presale. I have e-mailed the powers that be for help. 2 hours later? Still no response. I have repeatedly called them. "All circuits are busy". Lazy douchebags, pick up the damn phone already. Who do you think you are, 911?

It's the same problem every single time with these retards, be it regular season tickets, playoff tickets, or All-Star tickets. They have too many people trying to access one little website, and the retarded thing crashes and/or makes you wait on a virtual line with no end in sight. Not good times. I really want to go to this game and have very little interest in shelling out extra to a scalper when I'M A FREAKING TICKET LICENSEE.* Not good times. At all. But I have no intention of giving up just yet. Instead of hanging out with some buddies (sorry guys, should've clicked the ad dammit) I will stare at this computer screen while watching freaking golf, until I get my damn tickets.

*I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!

Although we'd probably go see Zohan, so am I really missing out that much? Either way, not good times at all.

In other news, freaking Wang. Learn how to run the damn bases. MRI results to come, although as of now it's been called a sprain of the top of his foot. What the hell that even means I can't begin to imagine, it just sounds so stupid.

The good news? We swept the beJeter out of Houston, with the Great One himself providing the crucial blow in 2 of the games. Now if only I can go be there when he wins his 2nd ASG MVP.

UPDATE: FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!! They appear to have sold out. I already got tickets for the Sunday crap and I'm going to the fan fest at least 1 day, probably 2. But still, I want ASG tickets, dammit, is that so wrong? Literally 5 minutes after I blogged about this, I finally got through and got my password, but since it was 2 hours and 45 minutes after the pre-sale started, not surprisingly they sold out. Even the workout day sold out. Motherfuck, tittyfuck, everywhere a fuck fuck. I am not happy right now.

The Legend Grows

2008-06-04T17:14:00.000-07:00

About twenty minutes ago, your Captain and mine, the one, the only, the man, the myth as well as the legend, the best there was, the best there is, the best there ever shall be, gave the Yankees a 1-0 lead with a sharp single to right-center. As you can see on the side of the blog, he has now passed Mickey Mantle on the Yankees all-time hit list.

Think of all the Yankee legends, who really are also baseball legends, some of whom are also genuine sports legends and American heroes. Derek Jeter has more hits as a Yankee (the only hits that matter) than Joe DiMaggio, Yogi Berra, Mickey Mantle, Phil Rizzuto, Reggie Jackson, Don Mattingly, Bernie Williams, Paul O'Neill, Randy Velarde, Alex Rodriguez, and the list goes on and on. Thousands down, 2 to go. Couple of guys you may have heard of, Gehrig and Ruth. The countdown continues.

Quincy's Illustrious Return

2008-06-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

When one thinks about the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history, the top 5 are easy to come up with: 1. Aikman 2. Romo 3. Quincy Carter 4. Staubach 5. Don Meredith (Irrational Cowboy fan? What insane irrational Cowboy fan?)

In 2003, Quincy Carter finally got his chance to start for the whole season as Bill Parcells, unlike Dave Campo, realized Chad Hutchinson was flat-out terrible. He took a team that had gone 5-11 3 years in a row, to 10-6 and the franchise's first playoff berth in 5 years.

That offseason, we in effect traded then-mediocre Joey Galloway for Keyshawn Johnson, drafted Julius Jones to replace the non-Hebrew Hammer Troy Hambrick (let the record show, the day after that draft I wanted to know why we traded out of the 1st round to take him instead of Steven Jackson or Kevin Jones, considering that extra draft pick we got ended up becoming Marcus Spears, this was clearly not the best of decisions, although Double J did have his great moments after coming back from injury that first season), and Jason Witten was elevated to starter. We had made the playoffs with solid defense and special teams, and a mediocre offense. Now we had an offense.

Then tragedy struck.

Quincy Carter, our fearless leader, had always had a little bit of a "dope thing". That training camp, he failed a drug test. Suddenly, our big pickup of a washed up Eddie George was no longer big news, because shortly thereafter our starting quarterback was no longer on the team. I'm still convinced Parcells fudged the test so he could bring in Vinny Testaverde. Without Quincy we went 6-10, and were never again close to the same (until, of course, ROMO!).

But now he's back in the game. After leaving the Jets, he went to af2, but then got tired of that so he left them too. Now however, the Kansas City Brigade (no more af2, he's back to the big time now), in dire need of a leader to salvage their playoff hopes, are turning to the great Quincy Carter. They're 3-10, but somehow still have a shot since their conference apparently sucks. How 'Bout Them Brigade.

HT: This guy, who told me about his signing, although this post was about him becoming the starter today, something he said nothing about. Anyway, all of my loyal readers, throw some hits his way in recognition of his performance.

Screw Shootouts

2008-06-02T21:47:00.000-07:00

If you know what I'm talking about, beautiful. Otherwise, go away. Sick game.

In other news, vacation's over. The blog returns (again) tomorrow. Joba better throw a freaking perfect game after the bullpen fiascoes we've been dealing with.

Tonight's the night

2008-05-20T14:15:00.000-07:00

First and foremost, huge game for the Yankees tonight, got to get back to you know, actually winning games. Of course it's raining now so who knows if we'll even play.

But the big event taking place tonight is the NBA Draft Lottery. For the Knicks, this is basically boom or bust. We're guaranteed to pick no lower than 7th, but if we don't get one of the top 3 picks, I think we should just trade down since there's no real difference between 4 and 11. Derrick Rose would be the dream come true, although I'd "settle" for Beasley or Mayo. Obviously there's a big difference between Beasley and Mayo, but not as much as between Mayo and Gordon/Bayless/Brook Lopez, in which case we might as well trade down and aim for Augustin or Gallinari.

But in a perfect world, we'll be in position to get Derrick Rose.

Behold the power of The Captain

2008-05-19T08:24:00.000-07:00

Last night, we got our rear ends handed to us, not good times. I'll take the blame since I got to the game late (6:15, I'm a terrible human being). But that's not as important as one event that took place during yesterday's game.

Carlos Delgado hit a home run to put the Mets up 6-0. However, The Captain decided that it was a foul ball, told the umpires to change the ruling, and sure enough, it was ruled a foul ball. Replays after the game showed, and people who were watching the game told me that it was clearly a fair ball, and the home plate umpire Bill Davidson admitted that "bolts and nuts, I fucked up". He even overruled the 3rd base umpire who, you know, is actually right there, and stuff.

So behold the power of The Captain. (He also went 1-3 with a walk and a SB, so if the rest of the team would stop sucking it would be tre-freaking-mendous.)

What a retard

2008-05-14T18:04:00.001-07:00

He's awesome, but retarded.

D'Antoni

2008-05-13T15:49:00.000-07:00

A few short weeks ago, the Knicks were coached and general managed by one of the worst to ever hold either position. Today, our president of basketball operations (which at this stage is also in effect GM) is Donnie Walsh, one of the most respected and successful of the last 20 years, and our coach is one of the 3-5 best in the league, Mike D'Antoni.

Pretty damn sweet.

I was all set for Mark Jackson, ready to watch the rebuilding project with young, inexperienced players and a young, inexperienced coach. Then Avery Johnson got fired, and it looked like he was gonna be the guy, and I wasn't that pumped, but at the same time anything would be an improvement over the last regime. Then the great reports came out that Phoenix was letting D'Antoni shop around for another job. It looked like he would choose Chicago, since they supposedly have more talent than we do*. But he's ours now.

*This is bullcrap. I'd take Marbury/Crawford/Chandler/Lee/Curry/Randolph/Balkman/Nate/our sweet lottery pick over Hinrich/Gordon/Deng/Nocioni/Noah/Thomas/Sefolosha/whoever else you want to put here.

Quentin Richardson's best years came with Phoenix, Marbury's been talking how he wants to play like Phoenix (whatever makes him happy, his contract's expiring after this season so it'd be nice to see Starbury back in action leading us to where we need to go) and it'll be a lot of fun to see Zach Randolph try to get a shot off in 7 seconds or less. D'Antoni's system is built for athletic players who can run and shoot. While Curry and Randolph (and of course Jerome James) don't exactly fit the bill, guys like Marbury, Crawford, Nate, Chandler, Q, Balkman/Jeffries if they learn how to shoot, and Lee should all thrive with the change. I still think Curry's only hope is for Patrick Ewing to come in as an assistant coach and do with him what he did with Dwight Howard.

Oh yeah, we also have a sweet lottery pick coming our way.

The only possible downside is D'Antoni's bad defensive reputation. I think this is greatly overstated; it's not his fault Steve Nash is in his mid-30s with a bad back, and other than that glaring hole Phoenix had solid defense the last few years, especially after the Shaq trade. Also, hopefully he'll be bringing in solid defensive coaches to help out with that.

Now just because we got D'Antoni doesn't mean we should completely change up the rebuilding plan. I'm not too happy with these Barbosa/Diaw rumors because their contracts are insane and that's what we're trying to get away from. But we're no longer the laughingstock of the league, and that's pretty damn sweet.

Helluva QB, terrible singer

2008-05-12T09:29:00.001-07:00

I'm embarrassed to even be blogging about this since it was so terrible, but I received a link to a video of my boy Romo singing the 7th inning stretch in Wrigley yesterday. Out of respect to his greatness I won't put the video up here, but wow.

Jeter Christ almighty, Tony, please, never sing again, you make Jessica sound like freaking Whitney Houston or something.

You know which Cowboy probably has a great set of pipes? PacMan. Don't be afraid to ask him to sing, just pat him down before he enters the stadium, or actually, before he enters the city limits.

Finally

2008-05-10T21:28:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, I was starting to get worried (as was he) that The Captain would hit .400, but with no homers. I even went so far as to go on a blog-hunger strike, which is why the countdown was abruptly halted (3-Yankees stuff, 2-Rangers beat Devils, 1-It's the PacMan Jones). But then today he crushed one into the right-field seats, so we can return to normal.

The Captain went 2-5, with 2 runs scored, the solo homer, and 2 beautiful double plays.

Yankees win, the Yankees win, what a Joba by Joba, Joba Joba Doo, and Mariano too. (The preceding line paid for by Harold Moskowitz. All rights reserved.)

Oh yeah, D'Antoni. That'll get its own post eventually. For now, go to your friendly neighborhood Knicks blog (the one on the side, not quite Shaking and Baking but...)

This can't be good

2008-04-30T10:42:00.000-07:00

Apparently, in the 1st period last night, the great Sean Avery took a hit which unbeknownst to anyone at the time lacerated his spleen. He'll be out for the rest of the playoffs, but more importantly hopefully he'll be okay.

Back with more of the countdown later.

#4: Hermione's Legal

2008-04-30T09:42:00.000-07:00

The lovely Emma Watson turned 18 recently. Besides for being on the official Jeter Christ Hall of Fame Bubble Watch she also has been by far the best thing about the Harry Potter movies. She asked me not to link to the picture of her naked underparts so you'll have to find that yourself.

#3 coming tonight.

Story #5: The Draft

2008-04-29T19:35:00.000-07:00

Very nice 1st round for the Cowboys, with Felix Jones and Mike Jenkins replacing the dearly departed Julius Jones and the worst cornerback of all time Jacques Reeves.

The night before the draft we made an interesting trade with the Dolphins, giving Parcells his boys Akin Ayodele and Anthony Fasano for a 4th round pick. I'm curious as to Remi Ayodele's future, since I think the only reason we even gave him a spot on the practice squad in the first place was because he was Akin's brother, although he did some decent things in limited action last year.

To replace Fasano we picked Martellus Jenkins in the 2nd round. He's supposed to be one of those Antonio Gates-type tight ends. Not sure why we need him considering we already have the best TE in the league, I think WR was a bigger need and would rather have tried to trade up and take Limas Sweed, or take Early Doucet or Mario Manningham (yes, the same Mario Manningham who pulled off a 6 on the Wonderlic).

Round 4 brought us another running back, Tashard Choice. While Grizz from the fantastic Cowboys blog bloggingtheboys.com is a big fan of his since he's a Ga. Tech fan, I've never seen him play. Sounds good though, similar story to Chris Canty where he was viewed as a first or second round talent coming into his senior year, then struggled with injuries and crap so we get him in the 4th round.

Orlando Scaldrick and Eric Walden were the last 2 picks, plus we already signed some rookie free agents, I'd be surprised if they make too much of an impact this year, but maybe they'll help out on special teams, which needs improvement from last year. Undoubtedly Felix Jones can help our return game (along with another Jones who'll be getting his own post), but coveragewise, especially after losing Keith Davis, we need to be much better.

Overall, seems like a solid draft, although our receiving corps can use some younger help. Maybe we'll trade a #1 or #2 from next year's draft for Roy Williams.

Up next, story #4.

And we're back

2008-04-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

I was on leave for 2 weeks, and even though I'm still on leave, it's time to get back to blogging. Between today and tomorrow, I'll be counting down the top 5 stories that took place while I was gone. For now, some honorable mentions:

Posada's going on the DL.

Jessica's licking icing off of Romo.

T.O. isn't joining bangbros.com.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is a funny movie, but there was a little too much penis and not enough of Mila Kunis's real deals.

Clemens had coitus with a 15 year old.

And Isiah was reassigned to coffee boy.

The countdown begins soon.

THE RETURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-04-14T14:08:00.000-07:00

There was a noticeable lack of Yankee game recaps. That was because there was a noticeable lack of the Captain in the Yankee lineup. Since this is the First Temple of the Captain Jeter Christ, I didn't think it was proper to do so in his absence. But according to the AP, he's in the lineup tonight. Sweet. That'll more than offset the presence of Chad Moeller and the replacement of Joba with Albala.

In other news, keep Harlan Chamberlain in your thoughts and prayers. Good man, and he signed a ball for me last year.

UPDATE: Sure enough, the Captain comes back, we win, even if the makeshift set-up men imploded.

4-5

2008-04-09T20:52:00.000-07:00

0-2 without The Captain. This game sucked, and should've been rained out, and I didn't pay too much attention since I was watching the Rangers, who once again beat the Devils. Too lazy to recap it, go to Scotty Hockey or Rangers Pundit since they're better Rangers blogs than the one I got in the links, one of these days I'll change it.

In other news, Kige pronounces Mario Chalmers, Mario Chambers. It's the anorexic of the year 2008, which is this year.

Eli sucks

2008-04-09T17:46:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Deadspin for pointing this out.

4-4

2008-04-09T12:23:00.000-07:00

The first 2 crises of the season are occurring right now, Alberto Gonzales being called up since The Captain is hurt (and Betemit has absolutely sucked so far), while Posada can't throw and will be backing up Molina No. 2.

Hughes was terrible yesterday, Purple Lips pulled off the Golden Sombrero, and we lost to the Royals in a miserable game, 5-2. Screw the regular game recap, let's just get it done tonight with hopefully a nice bounce-back game from Kennedy, although I don't know if we can hit Greinke.

Let's go Rangers.

4-3

2008-04-07T23:04:00.000-07:00

As nice as it was to win tonight, more importantly, the Captain came out of the game with what appears to be a strained quadriceps. Obviously, if he's out for any significant amount of time this win sucked.

But back in happy times, Yankees 6, Rays 1, Moose with the win (1-1), Hammel the loss (0-1), Abreu was sweet as candy (1).

Mussina pitched as well as can be expected with the stuff he has. But with his brains, he may be able to make a repertoire that tops out at 86 mph work. Bruney and Farnsworth pitched well, while O'Hawkins managed not to suck, so another good job by the bullpen.

Offensively, Abreu was freakin' sweet, Matsui continued to feed off of my hatred, and we actually scored 6 runs!

In other news: John/Scissor still suck, Torii Hunter was quite clutch for the Angels of America, the Braves' bullpen blew another game, and Memphis's free-throw woes finally bit them in the balls, Derrick Rose will only be comforted by being drafted by the Knicks.

3-3

2008-04-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

Back to .500, sweet. I was in attendance, running my record to 2-0 on the year, and, oddly enough, the Yankees are 0-3 when I don't watch the game, 3-0 when I do.

Anyway, Wang the win (2-0), Shields the loss (1-1), Mo the save (3), Joba a nice 2-inning hold, Matsui a HR (2).

Player of the game: I'll go with Joba, everyone pitched great, but Joba came in with 1st and 3rd and no one out and handled his business.

The Captain was 1-4 with a scorching single, and got robbed of a putout by the selfish playoff choker with the purple lips, and of a double by a guy whose first name is fellatio.

In other news, Boston lost again, Braves beat the Mets, and at the moment I'm stuck listening to the crappy Devils radio announcers as the Rangers are tied with the Devils with 7 minutes left. Let's go Rangers, get them regulation W's.

RIP Charlton Heston

2008-04-05T22:44:00.000-07:00

So, he died. Never saw the Ten Commandments, or Planet of the Apes, but the Planet of the Apes monologue they did on SNL when he hosted wasn't that funny, so I guess I didn't like him. Although, Ferrell did a very funny Heston in an NRA sketch, and Hartman did an absolutely classic Heston in the great sketch where Heston and Al Goldstein make the audiotape for Madonna's book (with Hartman's classic, "I like my vagina", if you've seen the sketch you're cracking up right now).

2-2, 2-3

2008-04-05T21:37:00.000-07:00

Not a good Shabbos for the Yankees, dropping two games to the freaking Devil Rays. Girardi got the worst of it, as he was passed out on his couch with 103 degree fever, probably stuck listening to John and Scissor on the radio. 2 horrible games, 2 horrible game recaps. The plan is for me to be there tomorrow so hopefully it won't rain and we'll get back to .500.

In other news, tomorrow's Rangers game is freaking huge. We're 1 point behind the Devils and look at that, we're playing them tomorrow. We need to win in regulation which means conceivably it'll be 1-1 with 1 minute left in regulation and we'll pull the goalie. Big day tomorrow.

Mike and the Mad Dog Sing Meet the Mets

2008-04-04T14:14:00.001-07:00

I had never seen this, it's apparently from the day after the Mets completed their chokejob. The real fun starts around the 2-minute mark. Absolutely classic.

PLAYOFFS!

2008-04-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

For the 3rd year in a row, the Rangers are in the playoffs. We officially clinched last night, kicking some Islander behind. The power play was fantastic and seems to finally not suck anymore, and Jags was awesome, although I still don't get what's up with his soul patch. Lundqvist with another shutout. Dude's dangerous.

2 games left, tonight against those same Islanders, and then Sunday against the Devils as we try to sweep them 8-0. We're 2 points behind those morons for home-ice in our probable first round matchup so it'd be nice to handle our business over the weekend.

2-1

2008-04-04T08:20:00.000-07:00

Nice win last night, and we've matched our high-water mark for the year at 1 game over .500!

Yankees 3, Blue Jays 2, Joba with the win (1-0), Brian Wolfe the loss (1) and Mo the save (2).

Hughes pitched very well, especially in the 1st 3 innings when he was perfect. The 2 runs came off bloop and infield hits, except for Rios who continues to be a beast against us, and now has the longest hitting streak against us in over 70 years (23 games, Gehringer had a 31 game streak).

Of course it wasn't like we showed off too much offensively, as our runs came on a wild pitch, a sac fly, and a bloop single. Dustin McGowan, who apparently was trying to recreate the look of Seth Rogen's character in Freaks & Geeks, also pitched really well, but at the end of the day the former, but soon to be once again, baseball champions of the world got the job done (that's job, not Joba, stupid Sterling).

Hero of the game: The Captain scored the tying run and kept the game tied on a ball to his left that he might not have gotten to last year.

Around the league in one really long run-on sentence, Johnny Cueto appears to be halfway decent, my boy Zach Greinke completed the sweep over what the retard Steve Phillips called the greatest lineup of all time, the Phillies finally won a game, meaning the Nationals finally lost a game, and shockingly, Mike Hampton was scratched from his start before the game.

1-1

2008-04-02T22:50:00.000-07:00

Another year goes by without the Yankees going undefeated. That's a crying shame. Anyway, onto the essentials:

Blue Jays 5, Yankees 2. Burnett the win (1-0), Mussina the loss (0-1), Accardo the save (1). HRs by Uncle Vernon Wells (1, benched on my fantasy team) and A-Rod (1, Kern[el], if you call him A-God again I will punch you in the face).

The goat of the game goes to Sergeant Steroids himself, the Giambalco, who went 0-4 with an error that led to their first run. Not sure why Duncan and Ensberg are on the bench if they're not gonna be pinch-hitting for lefties against lefties (with their own urban clothing line F.L.A.L.) in the later innings.

For the most part Moose pitched like crap. Simply stunning. At least ol' reliable Phil Hughes starts tomorrow. The bullpen was good though, with Latroy O'Hawkins, my boy Kyle Farnsworth and Ross Ohlendorf (who actually looks like O'Neill a little bit and should therefore, if anyone's gonna wear #21, be wearing #21, since he looks more like O'Neill than his #39 predecessor Darryl Strawberry). And unlike Mr. T, Girardi actually trusted one of his non-Proctor relievers to come back out for a 2nd inning after getting one out in the inning before, having O'Hawkins pitch the 7th after getting the last out in the 6th. Now if only he'd bring up a righty against a lefty with the game in the balance in the later innings instead of trusting the sergeant.

The Captain went 2-4, raising his average to .375. All hail.

In the AL East standings, the gaymos in Boston are in 1st because they started earlt, with us and the rest of the division 1 game back. With the magic number still something like 162 I don't think we're dead yet.

Around the majors in one very long run-on sentence, Boston won, the Mets freaking destroyed Andrew Miller, overrated sack of crap Trevor Hoffman blew yet another game, and now that I think about it, in the parlay that I didn't share with the blog, but will once again be successfully doing so starting tomorrow, the 3 teams I had winning were all ahead in the 8th before their crappy bullpens f'd up (Tampa/Arizona/San Diego), not good times, Braves finally won a game, and my fantasy team's OPS was lower than it's ERA, and it's AVG was lower than it's WHIP, that can't be a good thing.

New Krap on the Block

2008-04-02T11:01:00.000-07:00

I was gonna have a whole Hall of Fame ceremony, but who has that kind of time, plus Ateres Chinka was booked, so instead there was a mass induction ceremony in my head three minutes ago for the brand spanking new Jeter Christ Hall of Fame, as well as the other lists over there.

Donnie Basketball

2008-04-02T10:41:00.000-07:00

Press conference going on now, we finally have hope once again. (Although if Billy King gets brought in and/or Isiah stays on in any position of power, we're still screwed). This is a huge upgrade (although Colangelo or West would've been better), now it's just a matter of seeing what happens next.

If it was up to me we'd get one of the young assistants from San Antonio or Phoenix (forgot the guy's name but I think there's a guy in Phoenix, Peter's cousin David Griffin, who's looking to get a job) as GM, and bring back Van Gundy or Mark Jackson as head coach(, although I wouldn't be too bummed with Herb Williams, anything's better than the retard Isiah.)

1-0

2008-04-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

It feels so good to have real baseball back. 1 game played, 1 game won. Let's get to the essentials in the new almost daily post-game feature:

Yankees 3, Blue Jays 2. Wang (1-0) the win, Halladay (0-1) the loss, Joba with a hold (1), Mo with the save (1), Melky with a HR (1).

Wang was very frustrating with his inability to consistently throw strikes, and definitely got bailed out by some fantastic defensive plays, even Sergeant Steroids made a leaping catch (although his six-year old girl's arm cost us a run). But at the end of the day he pitched a solid 7 innings, only giving up 2 runs.

Player of the game, non-Captain division- definitely Melky. 2 great catches, the HR to tie it up after a great at-bat that finally got Halladay's pitch count up a little bit.

The umpiring was terrible, especially when it came to stolen bases. The Captain was clearly safe, while 1 of Posada's throws was on time.

The Captain went 1-4 with a B.S. caught stealing, and was solid in the field.

The Captain still rules, Matsui still sucks, Joba's still a beast and Mo's still the best.

I was in the house, and made it to The Bayis after the gates opened but before people were allowed in, so for all intents and purposes the gates were closed. Therefore, our record when I'm there before the gates open improves to undefeated-0. And our record when I'm in the house on Opening Day improved to 2-0. Good job by Randy Wells signing my ticket stub, and by Brandon League for signing my baseball yesterday. And thankfully it only started to pour after the game (literally like 2 minutes after).

Also, great job having a recording of Bob Shepherd announcing when The Captain comes up to hit.

Finally, I got my first up-close, non-while driving on the FDR look at the new stadium since October, and I have to say, as much as I think it's absolutely retarded that we're moving(, even if there's no actual churban bayis), the new place looks pretty cool. Unfortunately, only 80 regular season games left in the Bayis Shlishi, the greatest building in the history of the world.

The most retarded Opening Day ever

2008-03-31T14:33:00.000-07:00

It stopped raining, so they canceled the game. What. The. Hell. Take my word for it, I was more pissed at the time, now I just have a headache, at least the Yankees are still undefeated-0 when I'm in attendance on Opening Day. We'll get it tomorrow.

Well that's 1 prediction down

2008-03-25T08:48:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the crappy relief work of Huston Street, the behated Boston Red Sox won a game (costing my boy Joe Blanton a much-needed win in the process), making one of my predictions wrong, a mere four hours into the season. Well then. At least the Knicks might actually be getting rid of Isiah.

20 Baseball Predictions

2008-03-24T21:53:00.000-07:00

The first regular-season game is less than 5 hours away, and since I'm shockingly too lazy to go all-out with a preview, I'll take the easy way out and make 20 predictions:

1. First things first, the drought comes to an end, the Yankees win the World Series.

2. Your NL representative: The Braves.

3. MVPs: AL-Have you seen the name of the blog? NL- Big Teixy

4. Cy Youngs: AL- Bedard, NL- Huddy, in my upset pick of the week.

5. AL Division winners: Yanks, Tigers, Angels

6. NL Division winners: Braves, Cubs, D-Backs

7. Wild-cards: Indians/Brewers

8. ALCS: Yanks over Tigers, NLCS: Braves over D-Backs

9. As I mentioned in an earlier video, the Mets will go 75-87.

10. The Red Sox will amazingly fail to win a single game this season.

11. The Mariners should sign Barry Bonds, but they won't. They will however pull off a trade deadline deal for Griffey but will still fall short.

12. Eric Karabell will continue to be much better than Matthew Berry.

13. 50-HR hitters: A-Rod, The Prince, Big Teix, Adam Dunn

14. McGwire will once again not even come close to getting inducted into the HOF.

15. September 21 will not be the date of the Yankees' last home game at Yankee Stadium (well, duh, look at #1).

16. I will win both of my fantasy leagues.

17. Eric Byrnes and Jose Reyes will combine for less than 100 steals.

18. Joba will continue to a beast, easily take down the AL ROY, while in the NL, who cares?

19. None of the major single-season records will be broken, although a certain someone will give DiMaggio's streak a run for its money.

20. The Captain will hit .400.

On a serious note

2008-03-18T08:08:00.000-07:00

One of these days I'll make this blog fun again with posts about sports and random stupidity that amuses me, but for now, another serious post.

Urgent Tehillim Request
Please be mispallel for Rav Alter Chanoch Henach ben Chaya Rivka Leah,
our Rosh haYeshiva, Rav A. Henach Leibowitz Shlita, Rosh HaYeshiva,
Yeshivas Chofetz Chaim in Queens, NY, who is in critical condition
and in need of our tefilos.

May we merit to hear b'suros tovos.

(Hey, I might be a YU bum now, but just the like nWo, when you're Chofetz Chaim, you're Chofetz Chaim, for, life.)

Some random baseball predictions

2008-03-12T14:27:00.000-07:00

2 weeks until regular-season baseball, and less than 3 until the final Opening Day in the Bayis. There is a lot of crap going on today. Spitzer resigned, Shelley Duncan continued to be fantastic, Belfer's on fire, but I'm once again too lazy to actually blog about that stuff now. Maybe later. For now, I'll just be making my first official prediction for the 2008 baseball season.

The Mets will go 75-87. That is all.

On a serious note

2008-03-06T12:35:00.000-08:00

Ordinarily we try to keep this blog fun and enjoyable and full of good times. But there has been horrible news today.

"Eight people were reported to be killed and approximately 35 wounded in a terror attack at a seminary located near the entrance to Jerusalem on Thursday evening.

Rescue workers evacuate wounded from the scene of Thursday's terror attack in Merkaz Harav Yeshiva in Jerusalem.
Photo: Channel 10

The exact number of people killed was yet to be confirmed, but Magen David Adom have confirmed 10 wounded civilians including three seriously. One terrorist was said to be dead.

Witnesses said that only one terrorist had entered the building and that he managed to fire 500-600 bullets over the course of 10 minutes before he was killed.

Although witnesses claimed only a single terrorist carried out the attack, police were searching the building for an additional terrorist, preventing the entrance of rescue workers.

The incident occurred when at least one terrorist entered the Merkaz Harav Yeshiva in the neighborhood of Kiryat Moshe carrying weapons. The terrorist was not wearing a suicide-bomb belt as earlier reported.

The gunman entered a dining hall where about 80 people were gathered, witnesses said, and opened fire. "There are at least seven killed and 10 people wounded," said Eli Dein, director of Israel's rescue service.

Approximately 50 ambulances were sent to the scene and a 16-year-old boy in serious condition and suffering from chest wounds was seen being evacuated from the scene.

Jerusalem Mayor Uri Lupolianski told Channel 2, "It's very sad tonight in Jerusalem - many people were killed in the heart of Jerusalem."

In Gaza City, residents went out into the streets and fired rifles in celebration in the air after hearing news of the attack on the seminary.

No terror group has claimed responsibility for the attack."

Fucking scumbag Arab terrorist lunatics. I see on Drudge now that Hamas is calling the attacks heroic. I hope they all get a horrible case of ass cancer and die. Hopefully the retaliation will be swift and effective, although in the event that we take out 5 terrorists and 1 "innocent civilian" the media will be all over us for such a horrible crime against humanity.

Favre Retires

2008-03-04T07:39:00.000-08:00

Assuming nothing bigger happens in the next 13 hours, the big news of the day is that Brett Favre is actually retiring. Supposedly he would've come back if the Packers got Randy Moss, that didn't happen, he's gone.

Much like Kige, I am surprised. Unlike Kige I'm actually gonna give a reason why. His last pass was a horrible interception to cost his team a spot in the Super Bowl. While not everyone can go out on top, like Elway or Jordan the 1st 2 times around, no athlete wants the last thing they did to be that terrible.

Of course it's a play like that that makes me say Favre is the most overrated great player in sports history. Dude won 3 MVPs, and from '95 to '97 was one of the greatest QBs ever, but since then? He's had overrated sack of crap written all over him. This is a guy who cost his team in big games against inferior competition (like the Giants this year, the Eagles, Falcons and 49ers in the past few years) time and time again with stupid gunslinger interceptions.

Anybody who says Favre was better than Aikman is a jackass.

Peter King and John Madden will be crying themselves to sleep for the next few days.

In other news, the parlay went down again yesterday, as did the straight-up pick. The blog is down 5 Schrutebucks, which means only one thing. Time to go a little insane with today's lines. The lines aren't up yet, but I'll be back later with the picks. Awesome.

UPDATE: And we're back. Alright, let's go crazy. Straight-up Schrutebucks: Marlins, Twins, Cardinals, Pirates. Parlay the Yankees and Braves, but this time do so with a Schrutebuck and 5 Stanley Nickels.

WEDNESDAY UPDATE: The blog hit a parlay! Yeah, baby. Unfortunately, 0-3 with 1 no action on the straight-ups, so we lost another 4 Stanley Nickels. Today, 2 Schrutebucks and a Stanley Nickel on the Yankees, with 1 Schrutebuck on the Dodgers, Astros, Braves, and Reds. No parlays today, I have a headache.

Parlay baby parlay

2008-03-02T08:43:00.000-08:00

No real thoughts now, it is Sunday morning after all, but we do need to win our spring training parlay money back since the blog is down 2 Schrutebucks.

So today, the undefeated Yankees together with the Dodgers and the Pirates.

MONDAY UPDATES: 1. It was pointed out to me I left out Heroes in my list of solid NBC shows. I then remembered I left out My Name is Earl, which is a good show, but makes for a terrible day-by-day calender. My bad, but Vegas should still go on.

2. While I'm here, the Monday parlay (Blog is -3 Schrutebucks): Yankees/Tigers/Dodgers, and while we're at it, screw parlays, I'm gonna go public with one of my straight-up picks, put a Schrutebuck on the Braves.

Isiah's getting fired! Wait, he's staying?

2008-02-29T08:47:00.000-08:00

The latest Knick news involves the rumor of ex-Knick Kiki Vandeweghe coming in as GM and president, with Isiah only being the coach. Now, anything involving Isiah losing power is fantastic, so at first glance this sounds great. However it could be so much better, and there's really no reason why it shouldn't be.

Jerry Colangelo has been saying that he'd like to become the Knicks GM/prez, how he views it as a challenge and how he'd like to turn around the fortunes of one of the marquee teams in the sport. He is better than Kiki Vandeweghe, why aren't we going after him? Oh yeah, Dolan's an idiot. Remember, in the '02 draft Vandeweghe took Tskitishvilli over Amare, which is up there with Weis over Artest.

Jeff Van Gundy is a television analyst. He used to be a damn good coach. Why would we rather have the coach who can best be described as a sack of crap, over the coach who took us to our last conference championship? Plus, I'm sure Isiah's not gonna be bitter or anything that he's being stripped of most of his control of the team.

Either way, it's not official yet, and therefore the coach/GM/president of the Knicks remains the biggest asstard of all.

In other news: Flozell "The Hotel" is coming back to the 'Boys for 6 years, 42 million. Very solid decision to bring him back, and it cost us less than I thought it would. Yes, he's good for one false start a game, but he absolutely shut down every defensive end he faced, especially Osi Umentakesdumpsongirlschestura (well, in 11 of the 12 quarters they played, then illegal hands to the face was apparently no longer a penalty and the rest is history, sad, sad, history), and is one of the 2-3 best left tackles in the game.

The Macs' magical run came to an end last night, going down 73-52 to St. Joseph's, who will now unsurprisingly face Farmingdale State on Saturday night for the conference championship. If only Shuki didn't get hurt, who knows what might have been.

And finally, while the Marlins and Cardinals won, the Dodgers scored 3 in the bottom of the 9th to beat Atlanta 5-4. Adding insult to injury, they scored these runs off the dynamic duo of (this is not a joke) Matt DeSalvo and Colter Bean (who were clearly no match for the Dodgers' relievers, and again this is not a joke: Tanyon Sturtze and Mike Myers). Also, from the game recap, an opening paragraph that made me gag, "Joe Torre might have looked out of place wearing Los Angeles Dodgers blue. He was right at home as a winner."

The blog is now down one Spring Training Schrutebuck. Today's spring training parlay: Braves/Reds/Astros. Not as confident in this one as I was yesterday's, but maybe that's a good thing. Plus, today's Dodgers/Braves game is on ESPN! Baseball is back! If I can't watch Yankees vs South Florida (or Las Vegas), I'm gonna watch Dodgers vs Braves dammit.

NBC can bite me

2008-02-28T09:13:00.000-08:00

Las Vegas was/is a damn good show. Yes it sucked for a few episodes last season, but with the new characters (nothing personal Nikki Cox) and some actual real storylines it was a really solid show. It used to be on Monday night, had good ratings, then didn't have good ratings, so they moved it to Friday night. Well that's gonna help the ratings, put it on the night of the week when nobody watches TV. Asstards.

So there I am, looking for a place to download last week's episode, because mrglass didn't have it yet and idont wasn't working, when I come across a bit of news. NBC canceled the aforementioned program. Not only were they canceling it, they were immediately yanking it off the air, without letting them air a freaking series finale. This is bad enough, and I'll get back to the egregiousity (great word, don't think it's real though)later, because it gets worse.

But first things first, why cancel it in the first place? What are they putting on instead? Unless it's SNL reruns or the NBA on NBC, almost everything on NBC absolutely freaking sucks. The network that used to be my favorite is now borderline terrible. Besides for SNL, The Office, Conan and 30 Rock, what do they have? The Biggest Fucking Loser? While the title of that show is hilarious for its double-meaning, why the hell are they subjecting people to having to watch that drivel? 1 vs 100? The only time Bob Saget should be appearing on my TV is as Danny Tanner, or as the dude from America's Funniest Home Videos. Otherwise, bite me, you cockblocked Drama (and you should be guiding his cock, not blocking it), plus Danny Tanner was gay so change that song.

Next, I'm blanking on what crap is NBC's and what airs on the other crappy networks so allow me a second to go look stuff up. Oh, good call. Just take what SNL made fun of last week. Celebrity Apprentice. Celebrity Jiminy Cricket Getting Raped By a Black Popsicle Stick Apprentice. The 1st season of The Apprentice was okay. But then, it got old, quite quickly. The show's not entertaining, the only good thing about it being on the air is that it gives Darrell Hammond something to do, and do quite well I may add (because there's nothing like some juicy black anus steak). The only show with "celebrities" that works is The Surreal Life. No one wants to watch Papa Smurf compete against the ghost of Anna Nicole Smith to see who can sell the most lemonade. You're telling me that crap is better than Vegas?

What else we got? Ooh, soap operas! Days of Our Lives is the only respectable soap opera they've got, and that's not worth watching anymore since Kirsten Storms left and they fired Winks. But you know what, they need some daytime programming, you can keep that show.

NBC has a new reality show coming out entitled "My Dad is Better Than Your Dad". I hope everybody involved with this show gets cancer of the buttocks. Is this how the kids bond with their fathers now? "Hey son, wanna have a catch"? "F that old man, let's go on reality TV like a couple of jackasses". I sincerely hope the creator of the show gets crushed by a Barnes & Noble. I would like for him to be walking along, pass a Barnes & Noble, have said B & N fall down, and crush him and his testicles.

Knight Rider. I do not kid. NBC has brought back Knight Rider. There apparently was an executive at NBC who was sitting in his office and said to himself, "Precious, ya know what show we didn't do justice to the first time around? The one with the dude from Baywatch and the talking car." Who is this guy, Isiah Thomas? If that's not grounds for immediate dismissal, I don't know what is.

Anyways, back to the Vegas aspect of our program. So I finally managed to get my hands on the double episode entitled 3 Weddings and a Funeral. Wedding #1: Mike/Piper (let the record show, Piper is awesome, Elie, if you're reading this, Camille Guaty is in the 6-10 range, maybe even creeping into the top 5, even though she left Prison Break for The Nine, another good show that got canceled with no ending) were having an official wedding ceremony, Wedding #2: Danny/Delinda finally realized it was time to shotgun it, and Wedding #3: The recent pairing of Sam and Casey's little brother which was a shtikel on the random side of things, but since it was looking like it was the series finale, okay. Then for the funeral aspect, we have the apparent death of Cooper, which therefore turns the wedding ceremony into a memorial service. I thought this was fantastic, I had come to terms with the show getting canceled, and I thought it was very cute, they were gonna have weddings, instead they have a funeral. Fine.

So now we're holding at the last 2 minutes of the episode (which by the way had some fantastic classic Vegas moments, bachelor parties, Polly saying she felt like a donkey kicked her in the uterus, good times). Cooper walks in as James Blunt (yes, that James Blunt, from the King James Blunt bible) is wrapping up some slow song, Piper faints, and it seems like it's going to be a happy ending for the episode. Instead, Delinda starts straight up trippin. She feels like crap, mumbles something about the baby, and then reaches down, presumably under her dress, into her private area, and we see her hand now has blood on it. Holy crap. That sucks. I hope everything's okay, what's going on? But we'll never know because the episode concludes TO BE CONTINUED. In case you didn't understand me, let me devote an entire block of space to that.

TO BE JETER CHRIST DIVING INTO THE STANDS CONTINUED!

But they fucking canceled the show and yanked it off the air so we can see 600 pound fat chicks with their moldy cottage cheese thighs learn how to get anorexic! Why the hell would you cancel a series in the middle of a freaking 2-part episode? Are they retarded? They can't just put it on CNBC, MSNBC, freaking Univision, their website, YouTube, whatever? Do they just not give a hell that there are quite a few people out there who watch this show and would like to know what the f''s up. No, apparently they don't, the network that let Katie Couric go and replaced her with the menopausal Meredith Vieira, decided to just leave us hanging. They are the anti-Coitus. Asstards.

In the meantime go to lasvegas-theseries.com, where they are coming up with creative ways of getting this show back on.

In other news, spring training games are finally here, and you know what that means, gambling on spring training! Nothin' like it. My play of the day, parlay the Cardinals, Braves and Marlins. Why the f not?

The video I've been looking for forever

2008-02-28T01:17:00.001-08:00

One of these days I'll start legit blogging again. Until then, I bring to you the video I've been looking for literally close to a year. Oh yeah.

Report: Yanks' Jeter favors blood testing for performance enhancers

2008-02-24T07:51:00.000-08:00

"While union chief Don Fehr has opposed blood testing of Major League Baseball players for steroids and substances like HGH, one of the sports biggest stars disagrees.

Jeter

"You can test for whatever you want to test for," New York Yankees captain Derek Jeter told Bloomberg News. "We get pricked by needles anyway in spring training, so we have a lot of blood work to begin with."

Jeter, an eight time All-Star, also went on to say that blood testing for banned substances isn't an invasion of privacy.

Several players, including Jeter's current and former Yankee teammates Andy Pettitte and Roger Clemens, were named in the Mitchell report as having used HGH. Pettitte admitted his use while Clemens vehemently denied taking any performance enhancing substance."

That's right, the Captain's not a cheater and wants to ensure that baseball is as steroid-free as possible.

This post sponsored by the song Thunderstruck. Feel the Joba Fever. It's almost showtime.

The wait is over

2008-02-19T17:43:00.001-08:00

Too lazy to actually write stuff, so more YouTube! This one is thanks to the fine folks at Deadspin.

Kids are stupid

2008-02-18T09:17:00.001-08:00

Thanks to a tipster who shall remain nameless until he actually calls into the finest radio show alive, comes this video of Kanye West singing with Tina Fey on SNL.

Dwight Howard is freaking dangerous

2008-02-17T07:52:00.000-08:00

I am proud to say I have seen every dunk in the Slam Dunk contest, either watching live, or on replays/YouTube/whatever. Dwight Howard last night did 4 dunks. Each of these dunks was absolutely sick. The 1st 3 were 3 of the greatest I've ever seen, definitely all in the top 10, with the behind the backboard windmill and the "tap to himself off the backboard" in the top 5. Moon's 1st dunk was verrrry impressive, Gay was solid, and Green was very good too (the cupcake shtick was cute, and considering McCants gave him a bad pass it was even cooler), but Howard was insane.

Congratulations to Team San Antonio, and my girl Becky Hammon, friend of the show.

In non-NBA news, Pavlik beat Taylor again last night, not surprised, although I was surprised it wasn't a KO.

And in the big news, Morgan Ensberg will be wearing #21. I'm shocked, I thought it was getting retired. Technically it still can because there are plenty of numbers that were worn in between the player's retirement and the number's retirement. But it's a little weird that no one wore this popular number for 6 years, and now all of the sudden it's being given out.

IT'S FINALLY HERE!!!

2008-02-13T23:13:00.001-08:00

Happy Pitchers and Catchers Day!

Your Yankees news updates

2008-02-12T19:40:00.000-08:00

The huge news of the day, Phil Hughes no longer has a retarded number. In a related story, the number 34 will be retired in about 20 years.

Doug Mientkiewicz signed a minor-league deal with the Pirates. If something out of Betemit/Ensberg/Shelly works out, he will not be even remotely missed.

Also, today's Kige is up there among the all-time greats. I believe.

Joba

2008-02-12T09:32:00.000-08:00

Not sure if I blogged about this already and I'm too lazy to check but I think Joba should stay in the bullpen. I'm well aware of the numbers involved, and how 200 innings of Joba are better than 100, but we're still better off with Joba the freaking dominant set-up man.

Since 1996, Mariano Rivera has been the pitcher any sane Yankee fan would want on the mound with everything on the line. He pitches 1 inning a game, maybe 2 in the playoffs (or 3 if it's the epic 2003 Game 7). Now, if you translated his numbers into the role of a starter, obviously they would be better than the crappy 5th starters we've had through these last few years, but then in the later innings we'd be forced to rely on someone less than the best, and why would we want to do that.

With that said, we can apply the same to Joba and the 8th inning (or in the playoffs Joba in the 6th-7th, Mo in the 8th-9th, Jeter Christ that sounds sweet). I would rather have Moose start, go 5 or 6 giving up whatever he does, but then if we make a comeback, know that we have Joba and Mo to lock things down, than have Joba go 7 innings giving up 1, and then watch The Hawk or The Farns compete to see who can blow a 5-1 lead faster (note: Farns is my boy and I like the Hawk signing, but let's try to use them in the 7th, mmkay?).

30-40 years ago, when starters went 9 (and even pussy starters went 8), then Joba in the rotation would make sense. Now, baseball has changed; the best starters only go 7 (while the pussies and Igawas go 3), maybe 8 on a special occasion.

Remember 1996? Wasn't that fun with our solid starters going 6, Mo in the 7th-8th, Wetteland in the 9th? Or 1998-2000? Mendoza, Nelson, Stanton, Mo shutting things down routinely? Joba/Mo (plus Farns, Hawk, Veras, Edwar and Ohlendorf et al.) would make ours the best bullpen in the league. (But if Michael Kay tries to QuanGorMo them with some FarnsJobMo crap, I and many others might finally snap and light his oversaturated liver on fire.)

Also, for the last few years the prevailing worry had been what the Yankees would do when Rivera retires. We've been blessed to have the best closer of all-time, and it seemed there was no way anyone could fill his shoes. We found the guy, his name is Joba, his dad's really nice, and he'll be a sick set-up man until Mo retires, at which point he'll do what he can to become the new best closer of all-time.

In other news:

Dachs & Elie may be making their return tonight, depending on how Elie's feeling, so WYUR it at midnight.

Britney's still alive, so that's good news.

Position-by-Position breakdowns and other previews coming up in the next few days and weeks, so that's definitely something to look forward to since no one else will be doing it.

And finally, I always say click on the ad, but I've noticed that the current ads are for crappy NJ Giants apparel. Feel free to not click on the ad, wait for something that doesn't suck.

Fighting the good fight

2008-02-11T16:39:00.000-08:00

Even though it's no longer football season I couldn't help but post part of a fantastic article written by some dude, Johnny from Metroville, on Deadspin.

The beginning is boring, and about how he doesn't understand why people hate him because he's a Patriot fan. But then, oh sweet Jeter Christ, then, he spins some Dachsian rhymes. An example, taken from his description of Giants fans:

"one day very soon, you will wake up to discover ... that you are all douchebags. Pedophile douchebags is what I'm suggesting be the modifier: you are all pedophile douchebags whose hero is an overgrown Sea Monkey that constantly looks to be on the verge of tears. Eli Manning could fall ass-backwards into a Super Bowl victory with the East Rutherford Giants every season for the rest of his God-affronting career and history will never concede that he is a talented football player by any stretch of the imagination."

Check the rest out right over here.

3 Days Until Pitchers and Catchers

2008-02-11T11:48:00.001-08:00

Why the Shaq trade doesn't suck

2008-02-06T21:35:00.000-08:00

There are some out there (too lazy to do the linking thing but Taz and Kige are among them), who think that Phoenix trading Marion for Shaq is the worst trade of all time. Incorrect. I'll list some worse trades later, but the main point is, it's really not that bad of a trade.

Marion has an ego issue, where he feels, albeit rightfully so, that he is underappreciated. While Nash is winning MVPs, and Amare is viewed as the best forward on the Suns, Marion's array of talents really does go relatively unnoticed by the mainstream media. His being left off the All-Star team this season really didn't help this issue, plus there have been many instances where he has made moronic comments (for more info, check out :07 Seconds or Less, Jack McCallum's book on the Suns, where even D'Antoni talks about this).

Less than a year ago, Doc Rivers, Kenny Smith and Steve Kerr were asked if given 1 player to build a team around, who they would take. They each said Shaq. Of course he's not what he once was (and these admittedly aren't the greatest basketball minds of all time, although they are pretty knowledgeable about this kind of thing), but a healthy motivated Shaq is still one of the best centers in the league. He is a fantastic passer, and with all of the 3-point shooting Phoenix does it will really help them to have him down low. Phoenix's team as of last week was never going to win a championship if they had to go through San Antonio, which is all too likely. Now they have a more well-balanced team, and Shaq will for their sake hopefully not get destroyed by Duncan as Amare did in last year's playoffs.

Also, while Shaq's contract is terrible, he's got 2 years left where he'll be a Sun if they want them. Marion was almost definitely going to opt out after this season.

From the Heat's perspective, this is a fantastic trade. They get out of a horrific contract and bring in Marion, who as mentioned can opt out after this season. If he doesn't, fantastic, a team built around Wade and Marion can do a lot of cool things in the East, especially if they do as expected and make a play with their expiring contracts for Bibby and/or Artest in the offseason.

As for the worst NBA trade of the last 4 or 5 years, as Kige put it, there is no doubt it is the Knicks trading Penny Hardaway's contract and Trevor Ariza for Steve Francis. Francis was Marbury but worse, with a terrible contract, while Ariza is one of those solid young players you want on your team, and Penny's contract could've freed up a lot of space.

Honorable mentions to the Marbury trade, the Curry trade, the Malik Rose trade, and in the non-Knick division, the Baron Davis trade and the Magic trading McGrady for Francis (yep, him again) and other crap.

Eli Manning: Super Bowl MVP

2008-02-03T21:14:00.000-08:00

Words I honestly thought would never go together. I'm shocked. The pass to Tyree where he Romo'd his way away from 2 D-Linemen was incredible.

There were plenty of classic Eli terrible passes, and the Patriots dropped like 4 interceptable crappy throws, but the Giants are the champs, and Eli Freaking Manning is going to DisneyWorld. Congratulations. For the first time in 5 years the Lombardi Trophy is back in the NFC, and for the first time in 12 years it's back in the NFC East.

At the end of the day, I'm very happy the Patriots lost. Anything that makes asstard Red Sox fans sad is fantastic with me. I couldn't root for the Giants during the game, but at least Boston lost. I can't wait to read Simmons's column. This was a lot like Texas over USC in the Rose Bowl. Everyone in the media was talking about the Patriots, as they were talking about the Trojans then, as the greatest team of all time, before they had finished the job.

I actually predicted New England would go 18-0 and then lose the Super Bowl, although it should've been to Romo and co. Speaking of which, I have yet to hear anyone blame Gisele for Brady's struggles tonight. Stupid media asstards.

And as always, Belichik, the epitome of class, running off the field instead of shaking Coughlin's hand. You stay classy Belicheat.

In other news: How Bout Them Rangers today, down 3-0 on the road against the #2 team in the conference, win 5-3, friggin' huge.

Pitchers and catchers in 10 days.

The good commercials: The G2 with the Captain, the one with Chris Kattan (glad to see he's alive), the one with Timberlake/Samberg/Romo, Barkley/Wade, bottle opener suck, Cars.com Death Match, and carrier pigeons.

The ones that stood out as stupid: Carlos Mencia (shockingly, he has such a tremendous comedic wit), salesgenie.com. Most of the commercials just weren't that memorable.

And finally, we here at the blog send along our best wishes to Fess (we'll see if he actually reads this thing, wait, does anyone read this thing?), who's going under the knife tomorrow.

Clearly, I'm the Man

2008-01-16T09:49:00.001-08:00

31 days until pitchers and catchers

2008-01-14T08:58:00.000-08:00

The beautiful thing about boxing is that if you're pissed you can punch your opponent in the face. Leonard Davis might want to get that rage out of his system during the offseason instead of getting called for the worst penalty of the year, one of the few the refs got right, his late hit on Michael Strahan. That penalty cost us a first down, killed momentum, and was followed up by a freakin' huge drop by Patrick Crayton. Jason Garrett, brilliant innovative genius that he is, decided to call one deep pass play to the single-covered T.O. during the 2nd half, and had Jason Witten and his 96 receptions blocking on the last play. If the Dolphins want him they can have him, I'd rather keep Tony Sparano anyway. Too bad Parcells isn't retarded.

I hate using excuses like bugs, fugazy behavior or refs to rationalize a loss, but the refs sucked. One of the most egregious examples was the intentional grounding call on Romo. The rule states that it should be called if the QB is under duress. It was not. That backed us up 10 yards, leading to 2nd and 20.

But the officiating screwup that cost us the most was on Barber's non-fumble in the last minute of the game. The Giants took the ball and started running with it. The refs chose to allow them to waste our precious time, costing us 20 seconds that could have been used picking apart the Giants' mediocre pass defense, instead of having to force balls into the end zone.

At the end of the day, Romo's still the man, Eli's still a retard, with a heretofore unrealized, by me at least, speech defect that gives me more ammunition to make fun of him, and if these 2 teams were playing today I'd be very confident Dallas would win.

Let's go Packers. There is no point spread too high that will stop me from banging them. Hard.

Pretty big game this Sunday

2008-01-11T07:57:00.000-08:00

For the first time in 11 years, my Dallas Cowboys are alive in the 2nd round of the playoffs. And apparently, the enormous Jessica Simpson distraction that the media is trying to create is leading some pundits, albeit the retarded ones, to actually think the Giants will win this game. Let's just break this down with a few simple numbers:

Season Record: Cowboys- 13-3, Giants- 10-6

Week 1: Cowboys 45, Giants 35

Week 10: Cowboys 31, Giants 20

What am I missing here? The only chink in the Cowboys' armor is the terrible play of the last 3 games, and most of that can be attributed to Romo's injured thumb and T.O.'s injured ankle. Romo's thumb is better, and T.O.'s been practicing and should be good to go. So, how we not winning this game?

(Oh that's right, because we're the Cowboys and we'll manage to screw it up in the end.)

Eli Manning is... Unstoppable

2007-12-30T18:51:00.001-08:00

Saw this on AA. On a day when the Cowboys lose and look terrible while doing said losing, it's stuff like this that can turn that frown around.

Not a good Mourning (ickay Turgel)

2007-12-20T08:13:00.000-08:00

Dachs has sobered up, but he has to finish his Jelen project. Filling in for this blog post, the one, the only, Kige Ramsey.

Alright YouTube viewers, and JeterChrist blog readers, as you may have heard, last night, Miami Heat center Alonzo Mourning tore a tendon in his knee........ and will probably have to retire. I believe this is a sad day for Alonzo Mourning and for the Miami Heat organization. I know Dachs is a Knick fan and everything and does not like Alonzo Mourning, but I just don't believe, I mean, this is not a good thing, I believe. This is a bad thing to happen to this team. I do not know how the Miami Heat are going to overcome all of them injuries.

This is Kige Ramsey for YouTube Dachs's blog, and this is just a reminder, to submit your questions now for Touchdown Tuesday, and I'll be back later today on YouTube with my NFL prognostication.

T.O. laying down the law

2007-12-19T13:56:00.000-08:00

Recently, the old T.O. is starting to come back a little bit. He hasn't been talking too much this season, but the mini-feud with Keyshawn seems to have brought his personality back.

This time his message is directed at Jessica Simpson, although he says he's going to save his real message to her for the playoffs.

Also, Roy Williams's appeal has been denied so he won't be playing Saturday night against Carolina. Balls, we need this game, hopefully whoever fills in, Keith Davis, Pat Watkins if he's healthy, can step up.

Mother of the Year

2007-12-19T12:24:00.000-08:00

Well, as the year comes to a close, I guess I should give out some awards for the best whatever of the year. While it's possible this is the only category I'll do, and I'm only using it as a way to setup this post, try to ignore that, it's a fast day and I'm getting thirsty.

The inaugural mother of the year (apologies to my own mother for coming in 2nd this year, better luck next time), Mrs. Lynne Spears!

Not only did she give birth to the rebbetzin, who has had her own issues this year since we decided to take a break, she also has another daughter, a 16 year old daughter, the lovely in that sort of looks like Britney way, Ms. Jamie-Lynn Spears. Jamie-Lynn seemed to be starting a nice career for herself, appearing on the bastardized terrible version of All That, as well as getting her own show on Nick, Zoey 101.

But wait, she's preggers!

That's right, this 16 year old mini-Britney is preggers. My favorite quote about the whole thing comes from our honoree, who said, "I didn't believe it because Jamie-Lynn's always been so conscientious. She's never late for her curfew".

Okay, Lynne, I can call you Lynne right, unless you're the type of mother-in-law who prefers I call you Mom, either way, you suck as a parent. Never late for curfew? Spazz, she's either sneaking out afterwards, sneaking him in beforehand, or partaking in some afternoon delight.

And that, along with all the other news a certain special someone has been making this past year that we'll try to forget, is why Lynne Spears is the inaugural Jeter Christ Mother of the Year. You make Kathy Hilton look like Norma Arnold. Jeter Christ Almighty you suck at parenting.

In the other news of the day, Bill Parcells is going to be joining the Atlanta Falcons as a director of football operations, whatever that means. As long as he doesn't try to steal Jason Garrett away, I don't care. UPDATE: Apparently, he's turning them down and considering a similar offer from the Dolphins.

And finally, the official roommate of the blog, the one, the only, Taz Marelof is celebrating his 21st birthday. If you're not partaying tonight with him in honor of the occasion, the least you can do is go to his blog and click on his ad, and/or contribute to the lap-dance fund. Your call.

What the shuffle decided I should listen to: "Rock Star"-Kells/Luda/Kid Rock, that song is ridiculously good, "Piece of Me"-Britney, how appropriate.

11 Pro Bowlers

2007-12-18T14:33:00.001-08:00

New England Patriots, 14-0, some say they're the best team of all time, 8 Pro Bowlers. For what it's worth, admittedly not thaaaat much, the Cowboys (your 2007 NFC East Division Champs) have 11. 11! That includes 7 starters, really 8 since I don't think whoever's coaching will start Sean Taylor over Ken Hamlin, plus an additional 4 alternates. How Bout Dem Cowboys indeed.

Also, as some of you may know, today is Chris Farley's 10th yahrtzeit, only right to watch one of the funniest sketches in the show's history on this day.

(In a perfect world, this would've appeared before the video, but since you didn't click on the ad, this is a poorly-financed blog, so, there.)

Finally, one of the greatest videos of all time is back on YouTube

2007-12-16T21:08:00.001-08:00

Enjoy it while you can.